Friday, June 08, 2007

It's Time for Caffeine Friday!

Hello children! It is moi! Caffeine Catwoman! Wheeeeeee! See how my pupils are dilated? See how I can do summersaults down the hallway past 50 cubicles?

Isn't caffeine fun?

So I'm worried, ya'll. By the way, I'm talking in a Britney Spears voice here. OK. So, like, it's summer, right? Because it's like steaming outside and my boobies are sweating and if I don't shave my legs, people look at me funny at the grocery store. Because apparently, people don't like hairy cellulite. Sigh. Judgemental bastards, they are.

Anyway, with it being summer, there's like nothing on TV. I mean, you can't expect me to watch David Hasselhoff, right? Because if I had to do that, I would totally shave my head and go to rehab so that I can smoke lots of cigarettes and hook up with nasty boys. Because that's definitely got to be better than watching "the hoff."

Ugh. The hoff. How can anyone even respect that guy after that horrible home video of him wasted eating a sandwich off the floor. So gross. You know what I like to eat when I'm drunk? Street vendor veggie dog. With lots of mustard, sauerkraut and olives. Mmmmm... Only problem is, those are in Toronto and I tend to get drunk in Texas these days. And those street vendors are all like "no we won't deliver a veggie dog to Texas."

And since I've learned from Paris Hilton's mistakes, I'm not willing to drive drunk all the way to Toronto. Because like I'd have to go to jail for three whole days, y'all. And that would cause me to have anxiety and maybe have a heart attack and be released. But then I'd totally throw a slamming party and bedazzle my ankle monitoring bracelet, which would totally ROCK!

But back to TV. There is nothing on TV most nights. It's quite depressing. And of the summer pickings right now, so very very slim. There's Hell's Kitchen, which I totally love, because Gordon Ramsay? I totally have the hots for him. He could totally yell at me in bed any time. Although I'm sure that there would be lots of tears involved on my end. But still, he's hot and a total bad boy. Meow!

And then there's American Inventor, which I was so addicted to last summer. Oh to see these people create fantastic inventions like a potty paper that changes colors when a toddler pees on it! Wheeeeee! How fantastic is that? Somebody actually spent $11,000 developing this, but when the judges ask her what happens if the child poops, she says she's never thought of that. Wh-what? And the fact that my toddler would want to grab the urine-soaked paper didn't occur to her either. Way to think it through lady!

Otherwise, the pickings are slim. Have you tried to watch that train wreck called On the Lot? Oh, it's so bad, that I'm totally addicted to it. Because the brilliant folks at FOX change the format every single episode, in order to try to raise the ratings. This week, they actually didn't bother putting money into the show, so they just played the wannabe movie directors submission tapes. How brilliant is that! And they have this host who can't read a single cue card without stumbling on some words. And who gets inappropriate with the male contestants because she thinks she's hot stuff. The embarrassed looks on the faces of the contestants hoping to win the one million dollar movie deal with Steven Spielberg is better than just about any drama on television.

Oh, and there's also the Real World Las Vegas reunion. How fantastic is that? Five years ago, they were seven drunken idiots who had threesomes, wanted to be go-go dancers and drank more than the entire bible belt does in an entire lifetime.

Now? One of them is married! With two freaking babies! Holy freaking crap people! And another one? Goes to bed early, all the time. But best of all, the only normal guy out of the seven on the original show has now decided at 27 or 28 that he needs to LIVE! Really live! And so he's hooking up with random chicks and drinking way too much. To which I say, it's one thing to do that when you're 18 or 21. But at 27? It's kind of starting to look pathetic dude.

So that's my post for the day. It has no purpose. It has no meaning. It also is not a good source of calcium or folic acid.

As Paula Abdul would say, it is, what it is. Although she'd say it slurring her words. Which me, being high on caffeine would say it jumping up and down in the air while doing jazz hands.

And so I leave you with a couple of pictures of Little Man being traumatized by the sprinkler last weekend.

See how Nemo looks a lot like a great white shark? And see Little Man's look of terror? We sure know how to live it up in our household, whoop whoop!

Notice the perfect belly button definition that the soaking wet swim shirt created? This is Little Man's please-take-all-my-money-just-don't-hurt-me look.

Have a great weekend! I'll be adding more reflective paint to our bedroom. We did the first wall last week, and instead of candlelight, it looks more like the back of the jackets of those guys who direct the planes at the airport. American Airlines keeps landing propeller jets in our bedroom, but whatever, we're going to do the other three walls this weekend. Maybe the glow from our bedroom will serve as a missile shield for Texas. 'Cause we're patriotic like that.


Julie said...

Which one has two babies now? And Frank is totally the one hooking up yes? I watched a bit the other night.

M said...

Firghtening: I knew you were using a Britney voice before you said it.

You make me want to piss my pants.

I have a mini crush on Chef Ramsay myself. I haven't caught the inventor show yet this year. I couldn't go near the lot. i just couldn't.

And, uh, Little Man looks ridiculously fantastic in his kick ass swimwear even if Nemo's trying to steal his soul. I think I loooooooove him.

BTW: I want some of what you've got. Pass that crazy caffeine over. OBVIOUSLY it's spiked with Paula's special sauce or something.

Emma in Canada said...

I hate Gordon Ramsey. Cause he played for the Rangers and I am a Celtic fan.

I'm not watching anything which is why I was in bed at 10 last night. Not even for sex. Just sleep. That's what summertime boredom does.

beebop said...

I am happy to see that littleman is wearing his HAT. Have a great weekend!

monster's momma said...

oooh. I haven't tivo-ed the real word reunion. You should try So You Think You Can Dance and Top Chef. They rock and Top Chef hasn't even started yet so you haven't missed any!
Ya know Burke isn't coming back to Grey's right, but TR (I forgot his character's name) will be!? And they picked up that craptastic looking spinoff show. I wonder what it will be called?

Stefanie said...

Shit! I'm so mad I missed or am missing the Vegas Reunion. Why has TiVo betrayed me so? I also must watch Miss Paula Abdul's reality show which I hear is hi-larious! I'm going to have to wait for the marathon on The Real World huh?

random_mommy said...

June 11th on HBO... Big Love is back.

It hurts my heart to see that look on his face... terror is so sad!

Kellie said...

You KILL me!! Totally made me snort water out my nose once (okay, fine....twice!).

Happy to see Little Man has his hat on :)

Happy Weekend with the jets and stuff in your bedroom!!

That Chick Over There said...

I, too, have been quite concerned about my viewing choices for the summer. :(

However, the pictures made me happy.

So this post had me all over the place. I need my medication now.

alissa said...

OMG, you are TOO FUNNY!!!

LOVE the belly button picture... obviously. How could anyone NOT love the bully button picture.

But more importantly... lack of decent TV shows. You wrote my mind. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next 2 months... America's Got Talent?! God Help Me... but I watched it the other night. Right till the end. There was just NOTHING ELSE.

Rachel said...

So, are "jazz hands" anything like "spirit fingers"?

Love the pics of Little Man. Perhaps he can take those to therapy later in life as proof.