Thursday, June 14, 2007

Butt Cracks and Baby Crack

I like to think of myself as a pretty good mother. I'm not going to claim here, or anywhere else for that matter, that I'm a great mother. But like Sinatra, I do it my way.

I buy organic milk for little man, because I can afford the extra eight bucks a month to do so. I'll force feed myself grapes and slices of apple in front of him to inspire him to do the same. Which, honestly, these lips have met many, many more candy bars than fruit for many years now.

I always strap Little Man in his car seat and make sure that when he runs through the house with a carving knife that he points the blade down.

So really, I think I do more than Britney, who in many ways is everything I strive to be as a mother, what with her ability to take her kids to night clubs and do tequila shots our of their belly buttons.

But today, I actually had my parenting questioned by one of Little Man's teachers. I know she meant well, and I realize the only reason she'd questioned me was because the day before my son thought he was Spider Man in his drugged out state and hung off the ceiling flinging his dirty diaper at Hannibal Lechter. At least I think that's what she said.

You see, three days ago, my son had his last poop. Since then, he's decided that poop is a hot commodity and that he must hang on to it, storing it in his ever-expanding belly. Maybe he's decided not to poop until Paris is released, in a weird solidarity movement. Because the last time he pooped, she was free. This is my son's idea of an analogy. Free Paris and his poop will be freed!

I believe he should be moving out to California within the year, where he will only leave to go to D.C. and protest the cruel treatment of silk worms and bees. Because the bees? They are forced to pollinate! And then we steal their honey! And damn the cruelty of humankind to insects that are willing to sting us if we try to hug them.

But back to the poop. After giving Little Man more fruit and veggies than any human should eat, there was still no movement.

So I turned to prune juice yesterday morning, in order to try to shake things up. And so Little Man showed up to school with a sippy cup full of a dark brown liquid.

Which his teacher assumed was coke. Because we all know that coke? It is the breakfast of champions for toddlers. What with all of its zero percent daily value of every vitamin and its 200 gazillion grams of sugar per serving. Which is why I myself have two to three a day and can clearly run a marathon. I just choose not to.

Within half an hour of being at the school, my son got a burst of energy that apparently caused the roof of the school to be torn off. My Little Man was running around the classroom pushing chairs! The horror!

And so his teacher, when I showed up this morning said to me "Did you give him coke yesterday?"

I was confused by the question. And asked her what she was talking about. She explained that my son had gone nuts, like he'd been pumped with sugar and when they cleaned out his sippy cup, they realized that it was filled with coke.

I was confused, since for the past seven months, my son shows up with a sippy cup of Organic whole milk. I thought about it for a second and laughed, realizing that it was prune juice. Which I guess looks a little like coke.

But apparently, his teacher? She must have done a different kind of coke in her younger days, because the prune juice? It really does not smell anything like the soda.




Loukia said...

OMG, that is hilarious... and scary at the same time that her first question was 'did you give him coke'and not thinking it could have been prune juice... duh!

beebop said...

my girl holds onto her poo likes its worth its weight in gold...and prune juice didnt really help either. so doc suggested glyco-lax which is prescription poo maker. I mix it into her milk once a day and BLAMO, it works like magic. No more grunting and groaning and swollen bellies. She poos freely and hooray for that. Ask the doc. Or, buy it over the counter under the name of miralax or something of the like...its magical!

M said...

OMFG I laughed and laughed and laughed. Cod help that teacher. What a nitwit. Yes, I can SO see you with a sippy of coke for your child. woot woot! You and me, lets go to Maury, shall we? I once got a VERY frantic call from my mother about the 'grape soda in a bottle' she saw in a picture. Dude. It was PEDIALYTE when he had ROTOVIRUS. But same difference, right?

Except, really, we'll have to give little man some of Liam's chunks because Liam has too much of a lead on him and they really need to hit 50 pounds by age 2 to make Maury.

Chris said...

OMG. I would have freaked out on her! What a....very not nice person.

I'd give him double the prune juice next time ;-)

Kellie said...

Coke and prune juice smell NOTHING a like. And...AND one is bubbly and one...well, isn't. What a dumbass.

Hope the poops have been released!!

Julie said...

Isn't prune juice thicker than coke too? And certainly not bubbly.

Try a spoonful of Milk of Magnesia - that helps Abby when she has issues. But remember, a little goes a long way!

That Chick Over There said...

Okay, this one time? I read in the newspaper that this parent had sent their kid to school with a beer.

No. Seriously. A beer. They apparently reached into the fridge and grabbed the first can they could and didn't, you know, CHECK IT.

If your kids teacher thinks a little coke is bad...

Sam said...

God I love the way you write! You are so damn funny :o)

I hope the prune juice worked by the way.

Rachel said...

I know that no matter what, I can come here and you will make me laugh!