Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Attack of the Sprinkler

I talked about Memorial Day being so crappy weather-wise and how we got so stir crazy that we ended up painting out master bedroom.

This past weekend was a different story, we had a mini-hurricane both mornings, but by the time Little Man was awake from his nap, it was sunny and blistering heat. So we celebrated the first sunny Saturday of the summer by breaking out Little Man's Nemo sprinkler head.

Anyone with a child knows what an ordeal it is to get them ready to go outside in the summer or to go swimming. But just to refresh your memory, here are the steps involved:

1. Undress child.
2. Remove diaper.
3. Chase child around the kitchen island with swim diaper.
4. Tell child that you're about to count to three and that they better be in the swim diaper at three.
5. Count to three.
6. Chase squealing child around the kitchen island five more times before finally catching him.
7. Wrestle giggling and squirming child into swim diaper.
8. Take a five minute break to down four shots of tequila to reward yourself for getting swim diaper on.
9. Slather sunscreen all over child.
10. Remove bottle of sunscreen that child is sucking on from child's mouth.
11. Google "sunscreen poisoning" to see if child's imminent death will occur from sucking on sunscreen bottle.
12. Decide that since child is now chasing the dog and trying to hit it with toy microphone, child will live.
13. Realize that child's ears are not covered in sunscreen.
14. Reapply sunscreen all over child's body because you're so terrified of sunburns and skin cancer.
15. Put on child's swim trunks.
16. Put on child's swim shirt.
17. Put on child's swim shoes.
18. Realize child is pooping.
19. Take child upstairs to change diaper.
20. Put on child's hat.
21. Pick up child's hat that child just threw across the room.
22. Tell child that he can't go outside without his hat or else he will surely die.
23. Reassure sobbing child that he won't, in fact, die. That Mama is just a mean cold bitch.
24. Put hat back on child.
25. Drink more tequila.
26. Take child outside to play.

So three hours later, we were ready to go to the backyard. And I was so excited to see Little Man's face when he saw that the Nemo sprinkler, as fun as it was in the box, was even more fun attached to the hose, because it would squirt water, whee!!!!!!

So we turn on the water, right as Little Man yells "NEEEE-MOOOOOO!" And as water goes spinning around, Little Man approaches the sprinkler and is rewarded for his trust in the clown fish by getting slapped in the belly and in the face by a jet of water.

He freezes, hands in the air, like a hostage in one of those bank heist movies. And the water spins around and hits him in the face and belly again. Little Man, once agin, stands there, horrified, but too petrified to say or do anything.

And as this continues, over and over again, Sweetie Pie and I cruelly laughing, because really, it was hysterical, Little Man's swim shirt is soaked and sticks to his tummy, perfectly outlining his cute little belly button, so that he now looks like some weird version of an underaged wet T-shirt contest.

Finally, I stopped laughing enough to yell at him "Run, Little Man! Run!" He looked over at me, pitiful and wet and begging me with his eyes to make the torture stop.

When we bought the sprinkler, it said on the box that it was appropriate for ages three and up. I figured that since we wouldn't let Little Man play with it by himself, surely he couldn't choke on small parts or whatever their concern was with the toy.

Apparently the issue is not a child trying to eat the sprinkler head, it's the fact that a 21-month old doesn't know to run in the sprinkler so that it's not slappped over and over in the face by its powerful stream.

We finally retired Nemo for a year and let Little Man play with the hose. He laughed and giggled the whole time and violated at least three counties' water restriction rules. And the Al Gore in me didn't even care. Because I shot over 100 pictures that afternoon.




Loukia said...

Ahhh I love that you wrote this post, that is exactly what we go through every time we change our boy to go play in the water/little pool. What an ordeal, huh? Hilarious! Your poor little boy, with the sprinkler... priceless and so cute!

Emma in Canada said...

My getting ready to go outside is much easier.
1) Change into swimsuit. Leave nappy on.
2) Forget sunscreen.
3) Fill up pool.
4) Deal with after effects of sun burnt child later.

And of those 100 pictures could you not have posted at least one? Do we have to wait for the 22 month recap?

Catwoman said...

Yes, Emma, you probably do. Simply because I'm too lazy to connect my camera to my slow computer more than once a month.

But now you've made me feel guilty. I'll post one tonight or tomorrow. Sigh.

Julie said...

Oh, why do all toddlers like to try and eat the sunscreen bottles!? I think you captured the swim ordeal just perfectly. I have to give Little Man kudos though - at least he pooped while the swim diaper was still dry. Much easier to change that way!

Melissa said...

OMG I was in tears reading this. Hilarious. Especially the part about being frozen in terror at the sprinkler. We have the same sequence of events here the first sprinkler run every summer. It’s like I get to re-live it every year. Mommies deserve to have a good laugh at their kids expense sometimes. It’s called payback! OMG I’m still laughing.

Rachel said...

Holy Crap! That was funny! Mostly because, damn, it couldn't be more true!

Also, it's just mean to dangle 100 pictures taken in front of us and then not posting even 1!!!!!

monster's momma said...

We have to have a freakin playdate!
Can't wait to see some pics. :)

random_mommy said...

Buddha misses Little Man. If he had been there, he would have frozen in terror right by his side.

Kellie said...

It's funny 'cause it's true. I'm gonna have to start getting Morgan ready for water events at 8 am so we have a shot at being IN the water by noon :)

And seriously? What the hell with the 100 pictures and we don't get ANY??! Pfft...


jesse said...

LOL too funny and yes why does it take sooooo long to get them dressed to go swimming. Oh and I would have been laughing too.