Friday, May 25, 2007

Running Over The World, One Small Car at a Time

For those of you who don't actually know me in person, I'm quite small. I'm 5'3 1/2". The half inch is very important, because I worked really, really hard on that last little growth spurt. Let's just say that I weigh 110 pounds, because that's what I pretend I weigh in my head. Although two of those numbers are complete lies, but what's a few pounds between friends, right? Let's just say that I can still squeeze into a half decent size, although a lot of times, I will sport a camel toe doing so.

But I'm totally digressing from my point. The point is, that due to my lack of height, I like to drive a vehicle that's proportionate to me. So for example, my first car was a Toyota Tercel. Then, I had a Ford Focus. Then I went massive by my standards with a Jeep Liberty. But I live in Texas, where a Jeep Liberty is like a Mini Cooper anywhere else.

Sweetie Pie, he drives a truck. Not just any truck, a truck that in some countries would be considered an 18-wheeler. But not in Texas. In Texas, they call this a compact car. If you think I'm joking, I'm not. You will find Ford F-350 pick up trucks parked in compact car spots here. Because really? Anything smaller than a freight train is tiny in Texas.

Sweetie Pie drives this ginormous pick up truck. You can't miss it. Actually, you can, because on the freeways of Dallas there are about 10 million just like it. To get into this pick up truck, I have to throw a harpoon onto the roof and then climb in like a cat burglar. Getting out of the truck requires me to park next to a soft surface and throw my body down, rolling to make sure I don't break anything in the steep fall.

Sweetie Pie had to drive to Houston yesterday, and since his big ass truck gets about 2 miles a gallon in fuel economy, he decided to swap vehicles with me. Which means that yesterday and today, I had to drive 17 miles each way in a tank that doesn't seem to fit in one lane of traffic. My average driving time to work has dropped by 50 percent, because I can no longer zip in and out of lanes. I am now the slow ass driver in the right lane who sits behind every moron who turns, because I'm afraid to switch lanes.

Yesterday, it was raining the way it always rains in Dallas. In many countries, it would be called monsoon weather, but here, it's called a light shower. It was the kind of rain that makes you convinced that your windshield wipers must not be on, even though they're on full blast. Petrified, I was in the left lane, since I needed to turn left about 6 miles down the road, and didn't know if I'd ever be able to get back in that lane if I got out of it.

But since the truck looks like it can't fit in just one lane of traffic, I was driving partly on the middle median to ensure that I didn't rip out the side mirrors of the cars on my right as I drove past them.

And then it happened. I heard the horrible scrunching of metal, right as I passed a Lexus. My heart sunk. I knew I'd just ripped off the two car doors of some poor old lady. I just knew it. I slammed on the brakes so that I could give her my insurance information, but she just kept driving past me.

Ends up I hadn't crushed her like a walnut with my vehicle of terror. It was just thunder.

And wouldn't you know it, this same scenario happened three more times on the way home. Thunder would rip, I'd think it was the sound of me driving over a Prius, I'd slow down to see if it would remove itself from my undercarriage, and then I'd realize it was actually just the storm.

Next vehicle purchase, I'm getting Sweetie Pie something more manageable for me to drive. Like a Vespa. Or Barbie's Ferrari.




M said...

Oh bless you for making me laugh. I'm not near as weepy today (anger instead! WOOT hormones!) but cod this made me howl.

And WIC informed me I've aquired that great 1/2" myself! Here I was shortchanging myself saying 5'3" all these years and I'm really a WHOLE HALF INCH TALLER!

I'd die trying to drive a truck like that. And in monsoon "showers"? Yup. Just keel over at the very thought you brave brave babe.

random_mommy said...

You actually thought you ran over a Prius??!?! You wouldn't have noticed the bumps?!?! I miss you.

Rachel said...

Bwaaaaaahahahahaha! That is too funny! Chris has an F-150 and I've never even driven that.

Mostly because he won't let me. Bastard.

Ms. Porter said...

camel toe......haaaaaaaahaaaaa!

That Chick Over There said...

Bless your sweet little heart.

Kellie said...

Camel toe? KILLING ME!!

Seeing if a Prius removed itself from the undercarriage? Laughed so hard I spit water at the screen.

Jimmy has a big ass truck. I drove it for the first time in a LONG time a month ago. Got over being nervous sorta fast and then held his truck hostage for 3 weeks. Told him if he touched it, I'd bust his kneecaps. Which was fine. I have a GMC Envoy...not exactly fantastic on gas, but a bit better than his beast. He drives 45 miles roundtrip to and from work. With the cash we saved on gas for his hog, I may have, most likely added it to my Target fund :)

Dear GOD do I know how to ramble??! Bad enough I do it in my own I do it in your comments??!!


Sam said...

Sorry nothing to do with cars but, I thought you would be taller :o) I'm only five foot, so I guess in my world you are tall.

jesse said...

You're too funny, and yes just about everyone in Texas drives a truck. I'm still laughing about your post.