Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Stupid Attachment Issues

On my desk sits (amongst a lot of clutter of papers, 50 empty water bottles and just a bunch of other junk that I will probably never go through) a tube of Blistex Silk & Shine.

This tube is run down of its silky goodness. Every time I use it, the hard plastic container hurts my lips. But yet I refuse to throw it away.

I'm attached to that tube of Blistex. Stupidly so, maybe.

It was given to me by my sister-in-law. After I'd had Little Man.

Because I'd had a tube down my throat while I was under general anesthesia, I came to with lips that were so chapped, they soon started bleeding.

I hadn't packed any kind of carmex or other lip stuff, because one, I'm an idiot who's often unprepared for things. and two, I really didn't know I was going to have a baby that day. I was only supposed to have a freaking gall bladder sonogram!

When I complained about my lips hurting, my sister-in-law pulled out this tube of slightly used Blistex out of her purse and told me to keep it.

And so for the three days of my hospital stay, I'd slather it's buttery slightly sweet goodness. And now, since it still sits on my desk today, every time I look at it, I remember the day I became a mom. I remember the wrinkled tiny hands of Little Man, or the way his hair was already long enough in the back to make him look like he had a mullet. I remember the way he felt laying on my chest, all sweet and tiny and blissful, his little breaths the only sounds I could hear, the rest of the world just disappearing forever. I remember feeling invincible and powerful and yet so terrified. I remember crying over my broken boobs. I remember the kindness of the nurses, the streams of visitors, the plastic bassinette by my side the entire time, because I didn't want anyone to take my baby away. I remember the secret passwords the nurses had to use, Snoopy, Princess, and Shrimp. I remember the tube in my left hand that kept my vein open so that I could be pumped with medicines at any time. I remember thinking that someone would think they made a terrible mistake and take Little Man away, because he seemed too perfect, too good to be true.

It's just a three-inch tall light purple tube of lip gloss to most.

But to me, it's a flood gate to memories that 19 months later are still so raw, so real, so overwhelmingly good.

I told Sweetie Pie about that empty tube of lip gloss last week, and how I couldn't bear to stop using it, or to throw it out.

He didn't understand. "Throw it out," he said. "You have the baby to remember that day."

But I no longer have that baby. That baby has been replaced by a toddler now. That little newborn is gone, never to return to me again. But that lip gloss still lives on and with it the memories of the day my life changed forever.

Throwing it away would be unbearable.

Look for me in 50 years on one of those 60 Minute stories of those people who suffer of hoarding issues. I expect I'll be killed by a collapsing pile of People Magazines.




Kellie said...

Don't throw it away. Put it in a keepsake box with other stuff that is crap to most people but means something to you. I am the same way. I have a keepsake box and to the average schmo, it's full of crap. To me, it's memories that make me smile, laugh or cry when I look through them.


random_mommy said...

you're pregnant.

Emma in Canada said...

lol @ random mommy.

Put it in Little Man's keepsake box. While he may not appreciate its signifigance his futeure wifev will.

In fact show it to her when they are engaged and if she doesn't appreciate its value then she is totally not the right daughter in law for you.

Catwoman said...

LOL! No Random Mommy, as of now, I am not pregnant. But then again, I'm still three days away from a visit from the period fairy, so that could change...

M said...

You know, I think I love you. Your comment just made me piss myself giggling and snorting away. Cod bless you. I'm in such a foul mood this morning.

Onto the topic at hand...I SO get your attachment to the lip gloss dammit. I'm debating wearing the same ratty shirt home from the hospital that I wore home w/ Liam because *sniff sobsob* LIAM WAS A BABY ONCE! (nevermind it was thrown int he bag haphazardly and is the worst shade of yellow, poor fitting, and now STAINED)

I adore you for loving your blistex dangit.

Rachel said...

i totally understand! Keep it! Put it with all the other things that you will and have kept to remember things about Little Man! You will always cherish that day! And, woman, if you make me cry one more freakin time today, I'm not reading anymore!!

Jodie said...

I agree...keep the chapstick. Surely there's a huge rubbermaid box full of other stuff you really didn't need to keep, but just had to.

Maybe 3 days was too early...hope you kept one of tests for later this week.

Beccy said...

Catwoman much as I love you and understand your post and your reasons for keeping it (I think), I would not keep it, I'd prefer to look at photos but then I'm just an unsentimental schmuck whose current aim is the purchase of an illegal substance!

random_mommy said...

i wondered if i should keep buddha's belly button after it fell off... how gross is that? we need counselling.

Catwoman said...

I was totally sad when I DIDN'T keep Little Man's belly button... So I'm with you on that one, Random Mommy. Although, he'd torn it off by accident, and I was so freaked out and convinced that it happened because I'm a terrible mother that I had to throw out the evidence!

Catwoman said...

And Beccy, I don't think ANYONE would call you an unsentimental schmuck!

Because I'm pretty sure those don't get misty eyed over their kids growing up, all while flashing a blue bra!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Keep it.
Put it under glass.
Mount it on the wall.
That way it can't get accidentally thrown out.
Keep it, cherish it, forever.

One person's treasure.....

Blessings to you.

Sam said...

Awww that's so beautiful. It made me cry, I am pregnant by the way, lol.
I am a sentimental hoarder too, keep it forever!!

Jesse said...

Since the chapstick means that much to you I would keep it. But make sure you put it somewhere like Little Mans keepsake box so it doesn't get thrown away.