Thursday, April 12, 2007

Like There Was Ever Any Doubt...

Because I'm such a brave, brave soul, there's something I've hidden from you, dear readers all week.

You see, on Monday, after I dropped my parents off at the airport, I swung by McDonald's and got one of their new Southern Crispy Chicken Sandwiches, despite the fact that I hate them for stealing Chik-Fil-A's signature sandwich. But the line at Chik-Fil-A was insanely song and I had to get back to the office for a conference call.

I inhaled my fried sandwich. And my large order of fries. And then I drowned it with half a liter of blue Powerade.

I was a little full, but hey, life was good.

Until about 4 p.m.

When I started not feeling so good. And as the evening wore on, my stomach was hurting, my kidneys were hurting and really, it felt like I had a sword going through my stomach.

Sweetie Pie made me a hot pad using one of his socks filled with uncooked rice that he microwaved (the only useful thing we learned in our 350 dollar Bradley's birth class, since I had an emergency C-section), and I laid on the couch groaning for the rest of the night. I took some Advil around 7 p.m., skipped dinner and then the pain finally subsided enough around 10 p.m. and I went to bed.

On Tuesday morning, woke up, felt like someone had kicked me repeatedly in the kidneys in my sleep, otherwise, I was fine. I wasn't hungry, so I skipped breakfast, and since I was still a little tender, I had soup of lunch. Fine, it was La Madeleine's Tomato Basil soup with the first two ingredients being cream and butter. But it was still soup, people!

That seemed to go fine, until late in the afternoon, where I was hurting really bad, once again. I still ate some pasta with tomato sauce for dinner, even though I really wasn't hungry.

But the pain was pretty bad, I couldn't even go up the stairs without wincing, kind of like when you do too many abs the day before (which for Britney Spears would be about 500, for me, it would be at 18) and your body's really, really mad at you.

On Wednesday, same thing, and that time, I just went straight for the Advil in the afternoon, after the salad I'd had for lunch starting pissing my stomach off too.

And Sweetie Pie got mad at me, and told me that I needed to go to the doctor's because, had I not learned anything from that time I felt crummy and was refusing to go to the doctor's and then ends up I was actually dying?

But I figured that I'd probably just feel better the next day. And then I'd be one of those morons who wouldn't have anything wrong with them anymore and who'd be like "but doctor, I felt so crappy YESTERDAY!"

But I made the appointment for this morning.

The doctor asked me what was wrong. I told her. Then I told her how my period came two days early and how I thought that maybe it was a miscarriage instead of my period, since I'm usually (ok, that one time) so fertile.

So she prodded, and she listened to my stomach and banged on my foot to see if it was my appendix (that one mystified me, but hey, she does have a diploma on her wall, and I just watch Grey's Anatomy, so surely she knows more than I do).

Finally she decided that since I seemed to be so tender everywhere, we needed to take X-Rays.

And so I laid on that table.

And I swear to you, that this is how much of an idiot I am. I actually sucked in my gut so I could look thinner on the damn X-ray.

Hey, a picture's a picture, right? And who wants to look fat ever?

A few minutes later, the doctor walked in with my X-Ray and the first thing that caught my eye was this syringe looking thing in my thigh.

"Holy CRAP!" I thought. "Someone left a syringe in me during my C-section! No wonder I feel so cruddy!"

But ends up that was just the zipper of my pants because we'd rolled them down to get a better shot.

So that was a relief, cause you know, I don't really like needles and all, so I'm not really wanting to walk around with one in my thigh. Although it would have been good to hear that they're that wide because I have medical equipment in me.

And then she pointed at something.

"See this?" she explained, her finger following a long tube. "That's your colon."

I was relieved to hear I had one, yet not really surprised since I'm a farting and pooping machine.

"See all that white stuff?" she continued.

I nodded.

"That's poop."

Wh-what?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, I am officially full of crap.

Apparently, despite the fact that my body is still dropping kids at the pool once or twice a day, I'm like the family with 17 kids and I'm seriously behind on my carpooling.

So at lunch today, I get to go pick up my laxative. How much fun is that going to be! Yippee!

Maybe just to add to the embarrassment factor I'll add some weight-loss pills, some condoms, a couple of pregnancy tests and a box of tampons. And maybe see if they have some sexy magazine with big boobies in them.

Here's another sad part to this story. I'm only allowed to eat fruit and salads for the next few days. And my first thought was "OMG! This stoffing up of my colon is totally going to make me skinny."

How Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion of me was that???

Love,

Catwoman.

15 comments:

Julie said...

I'm glad it isn't anything more serious. I had simliar issues when I was preg with my second. I thought I was in labor the pains were so bad. Enjoy your fiber!

beebop said...

oh yeah, but I bet you totally looked skinny on the x-rays, didnt you? So it was totally worth it!

ps,
try the lemony prunes, they are the best!

pps, add on some yeast infection cream to that pile of fun @ the store...and some anal beads if they have them!

ppss, i netflixed grey's, no backstage passes here...but i would totally do george.

beebop said...

oh yeah...maybe you could get a copy of that x-ray and share it with your new cubicle mate! i bet she's never seen your colon before!

Catwoman said...

Beebop, that is HYSTERICAL!!!! I should totally have asked for my X-ray, walked into her cube and exclaimed, have you ever seen so many pounds of shit????

susan said...

No enema!? I was worried when I first read this and thought you were deathly ill. Thank God it was just crap. ;) I'm sorry your insides hate you though, and I hope you poop a lot soon! :)

Beccy said...

I laughed so much re the syringe, glad you're only full of crap and nothing worse.

Jodie said...

Oh my gosh, I almost fell out of my chair, I was laughing so hard.

Glad to hear you're just full of S*** and not dying.

Rachel said...

I couldn't help but laugh at this! I'm glad it's nothing serious though! My husband went through the same thing, of course, he's a big baby and decided he had an intestinal blockage. Men!

Have fun on the potty all night!

random_mommy said...

uhhh.. i brought you super delicious chocolates... does a strawberry truffle count as fruit?

you say things that i think... but don't say... i love it.

Jesse said...

I'm glad to hear that other than you being full of crap you're ok. And I'm not going to lie I laughed when I read it and I still am. I was also thinking that you should share this info with you cube-mate.

Kellie said...

I'm sorry. I laughed at the end. I'm happy you're okay, and laughing like MAD at the whole "family with 17 kids and I'm seriously behind on my carpooling". YOU KILL ME!!

And....did I miss something? Actually dying? Huh? What??

A syringe left in your thigh during your C-section??!! You KILL ME!!

MartiniGal said...

I'm glad you are ok, but what I'm most upset about is that you didn't tell us what you thought of McDonald's new sandwhich!!

Gerbil said...

omg, I don't think I have laughed so hard in months. You poor thing!! To celebrate, you must go to Philadelphia and tour the Mutter Museum - all medical oddities and such. In there is a GIANT COLON. The man it belonged to had something wrong with him and he couldn't poop. So it all back up to the point his colon expanded to contain it... and was bigger around than my LEG. When he'd poop once a MONTH, doctors weighed it and it was like 30-some lbs of poop.

Now, won't you rest better knowing that once there was a man who had 30lbs of poop in there????

Catwoman said...

I think the McDonald's sandwich is a poor imitation of Chik-Fil-A's.

And since I'm 20 lbs overweight, I'm going to claim it's all poop, not blobber.

Why is it that my disturbed mind thinks that's better????

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

I do hope everything comes out alright for you.