Wednesday, April 04, 2007

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

For the past few months at work, I've basically lived on my own, because the cubicle next to mine belongs to a contractor who only works from the office sporadically. And the cube behind me was the home of a printer.

This is nice, because it's allowed me to use words like "pre-conception" when calling the perinatal specialist, without having to try to whisper or going to my car to make the call.

My days of being able to remind Sweetie Pie to shave his balls from work are however over, because on Monday, a new person moved into the cube behind mine, and I now have to share a fabric wall with another human being.

This makes the anti-social buried deep inside of me highly unhappy.

What makes it even more unhappy is that rather than some cool chick in her 20's, 30's or early 40's, a frumpy woman in her mid- to late 50's moved in. And she looks like she will not appreciate overhearing conversations that involve any male appendages. Or female, for that matter.

But since I'm an overly friendly person, when our admin took the new person around to be introduced, I launched into my Super Friendly Catwoman mode, which has been known to scare mice and very young children.

I warmly welcomed her and then went into my whole tap dancing routine, telling her that I've been known for being a little too enthusiastic on the phone, which can make me a teeny tiny loud, but that she should let me know if I got out of hand. And then I joked to her that since I've been here almost five months, I know the place inside and out and she shouldn't hesitate to come to me, haha.

And cue crickets.

Not a peep from the woman. Just an awkward stare.

Yesterday afternoon, when I was leaving, she happened to already be waiting at the elevator.

So I launched into friendly neighbor chatter.

"How did day two go," I asked in a loud sing-songy voice, all of my teeth bared in a smile that probably ressembles that of a shark before it swallows an entire kayak of tourists.

"Ok," she answers.

We work on the top floor of our building, and obviously the parking garage is way down below, but it's not like the elevator ride is excruciatingly long.

But apparently, my new neighbor thought that it was. Because the elevator stopped one floor below ours to pick up two employees and I'm not kidding when I tell you that new cube neighbor bolted from that elevator, the second the doors were wider than three inches. The two women who were about to get on were kind of stunned and had that WTF look on their faces. My neighbor, realizing that we hadn't arrived at the correct floor and that she had to get back on with me, got this look of defeat, a lot like the one Little Man gets when he realizes that despite ten minutes of screaming and wiggling, I am still going to cut his other nine fingernails.

I just don't know what I could have done or said in only 16 hours of work days to scare this woman so much.

But since my period started last night (two days early, might I add), dashing my kind-of hopes of being pregnant, it's enough to say that torturing the poor woman will be distracting me from these woes. She'll be really, really sorry she's ever shown fear, wah ha ha.

Any suggestions for scaring her further without being obvious are welcome in comments.




Julie said...

How about one of those remote controlled fart machines? Too gross?

Kellie said...

Get a pile of fake dog poopie and leave it near your cube...if/when sees it, act cool and ask her if she could remove it, that you just got your nails done.

Stupid, I know. Sorry.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Just keep on being YOU.
Over time, she will realize you are the real deal and that your friendliness was not just an act.
She apparently has some issues she's dealing with, so keep being nice and maybe, eventually, she'll warm up to you. Some people take longer to adjust to new surroundings and new people.

I like the fart machine idea. I have one of those. I wouldn't use it just yet, though.

Morgan Leigh said...

omg! bolted? that's too funny. maybe you should just continue with what your doing and "accidently" get stuck on the elevator with her more. haha.

That Chick Over There said...

Okay now that's weird.

Some people just have ZERO social skills. She sounds like one of them.

I thought I worked with all of them. Weird.

Beccy said...

I'm more interested in the conversations involving male appendages! Hey maybe you could ask her does her husband shave his balls and swap notes.

random_mommy said...

serial killers collect old tubes of chapstick. hmmm... maybe cube-neighbor isn't the one we should wonder about....

say crazy shit to her. use her for your own amusement. that's what i do with her type. maybe this is why people think i'm cold and snobbish?

random_mommy said...

that was the most craptacularly clever comment i've ever left. holy dogshit. i'm that good.

random_mommy said...

i mean, seriously, 'serial killers collect old tubes of chapstick,' that is some good stuff.

changing name to unlimited cleverness.

susan said...

- stand too close too her
- cough a lot near her without covering your mouth
- talk about your gastrointesinal problems (perfect set up for the use of the fart machine later...or just letting it rip in real life)
- tell detailed and lengthy stories about your pets (or LM...but pets are funnier)
- tell her about your chapstick collection ;)

Emma in Canada said...

Let her read your blog?

Seriously? Your husband shaves his balls? And you tell him to?

random_mommy said...

mine shaves his too... i thought this was normal male grooming. is it not?

Gerbil said...

Really wide eyes and too-big, too-bright smiles will usually do it nicely.

Rachel said...

Just sort of "show up" wherever she happens to be. The elevator, the kitchen, etc! Tape her pens to her desk, unplug the mouse, you know, stupid 10-year old stuff like that.

Oh, and call you hubby and remind him to shave his balls...very loudly!

M said...

I'm not so pleased to see your period arrived. :-(

I am so pleased to know you have one of those fake behaviors that scares the world away. My DH mocks me furiously for it.

And your coworker? Frightens me. I say just flash your boobies at her occasionally for shock value. That's my solution to everything. Of course it's fairly OBVIOUS so, hmm.