Thursday, February 22, 2007

Webber Dictionary Defines It as Fed Up

I'm not really sure I can explain what's going through my head right now. But I've gotten to the point where I'm just ready to walk away. Some of you asked me yesterday who number 7 in the youyou was.

I wasn't ready to talk about it then, and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it now.

Number 7 is Sweetie Pie.

I couldn't exactly tell you where things went wrong. No big fight, no big blow out. Just a slow erosion of the relationship over the years and me working very hard at it, and then me having a baby and me getting tired of working so hard on something that really didn't feel very rewarding to me, so I concentrated that work on raising a child instead, which is rewarding on a level I can't even describe.

I guess I didn't realize how bad our relationship was until Little Man came along.

When I pick him up from daycare he runs to me, he's excited to see me, he hugs me.

When I go home, Sweetie Pie comes out to get the toddler, and acknowledges me. But no excitement, no I missed you, no I love yous.

Little Man makes "mmmmmm" noises at just about everything I make.

I've been cooking for Sweetie Pie for 6 years now and unless I ask, I never get compliments. And when I ask "how's your meal?" I'm told "It's ok."

There used to be some romancing of me to get sex. But now, just because I've gotten under the sheets, I'm expected to make the move to get sex. Which is about the biggest mood killer ever. This one is a fight we've had before. Him, claiming that he's afraid to make the first move and get rejected. Me, who told him that I'm his wife and that with how little he asks for it, I probably wouldn't reject him.

And now I'm to the point where I feel I've raised the white flag. I give up.

I don't know if I'm quite ready to have that conversation with him. I know that I'll say things that are cruel, that will sting, that will hurt him.

I know that I'll cry. And say things I may not mean.

I know that we may go our separate ways when the conversation is done.

This isn't new, I have to say. There have been fleeting thoughts for the past few months. Like the neighborhood not far from ours that I drove past and thought "If I was divorced, that's be where I'd want to buy the new house." That thought did come out of nowhere. But it didn't necessarily shock me as much as it should have.

Maybe the fact that I'm not sure I can have another baby was the straw that broke the camel's back. The fact that he seemed more concerned about my libido needing fixing than the fact that my dream of having three kids was officially dead, since two was a big question mark.

Maybe I'm thinking to myself that there's no point in staying in a marriage that doesn't make me feel whole and complete when I can't have more kids any way.

Maybe I'm too comfortable with the idea of giving up.

Maybe I'm the problem, expecting too much from a man who has never been emotionally available since the day I met him, over eight years ago. He was forever destroyed by his first love and I've spent a long time trying to fix him. I've tried loving, I've tried pitching fits, I've tried cuddling, I've tried crying. But it's not something I can fix.

Sweetie Pie asked me what was wrong last night "Is it something at work?" he naively pleaded.

I stared at whatever MTV show we were watching at the time. Really hard. Knowing that this was not the night I wanted to have this discussion. And so I forced a smile and said that no, work was great. Everything's fine I heard myself say.

When 9:30 rolled around, I just wanted to be alone in the dark. I went to bed.

I never thought I was the marrying type. And then there was the ex-boyfriend who told me I wasn't marriage material. I'm starting to think that maybe we were both right.

Love,

Catwoman.

11 comments:

random_mommy said...

I'm so sorry.
I really hope this turns out to be one of those conversations that ends up making you guys closer. You're so open and honest, he can hopefully learn that from you.

I'm wishing you the best, and crying for the first time in a very long time.

random_mommy said...

and..
when the Buddha came along, I definitely felt like Husband didn't matter much anymore... almost like I didn't really care as much about him because I had this amazing ball of pure love. For me, it took me accepting this, working on paying more attention to him, and lots of time. But slowly, I'm getting back to the point where I feel about him the way I did before baby.
Having a baby is hard. I felt like having a relationship with Husband was work. I only wanted to work for my baby.

Beccy said...

I'm so sorry for you, feeling like this.

There is no denying that marriage is hard, there have been plenty of times when I've been ready to throw in the towel but I have to remind myself that we act and react in different ways. This was part of the big attraction many years ago.

I've fought and worked hard at my marriage, we're both great at compromising and as the children get older it gets easier.

I hope you can have that talk without too much anger but lots of honesty and hopefully you'll decide that your marriage is worth fighting for or maybe you'll realise the time has come to move on. It would be good to know one way or the other.

The Professor said...

First of all, I am amazed you wrote this here. Does he not know you have a blog? Doesn't he read it?

I understand how you feel, I think. But I often wonder how much we can actually expect out of marriage (or any long-term relationship). My personal opinion is that expecting to love someone (enough to be married to them) for the rest of your life is a silly notion. I have been married for 21 years (we were together for 6 years before we got married) and there have been MANY times I was thinking I should walk out the door. But, for me, I am not going to put my kids through that AND I am not going to leave unless I can really believe I would be happier afterwards. I generally shoot for not being too miserable, not for actually being happy - but that's just me.

You didn't ask for advice so forgive my offering some anyway. Be careful, THINK very hard from as many angles as you can. *For instance*, maybe there is contentment to be found by changing your expectations.

I wish you well.

beebop said...

it helps getting it out in the open though, doesnt it?
talk to each other, you need to be honest...and lube up with some wine!
;)

Emma in Canada said...

God, there are so many things I would like to say to you that I just can't say in your comments. You must have some of the same conversations that William and I have. You worry about me, I worry about you. Do whatever is best for you, because that is also what will be best for Little Man.

Catwoman said...

I just realized that my title says "Webber" dictionary instead of Webster. I'm obviously quite the moron, aren't I? :)

random_mommy said...

I just assumed Webber was the Canadian version of Webster's... who's the moron now?

Emma in Canada said...

I hadn't even noticed and that just goes to show you how much attention I pay. I read it as Webster's.

rookiemom said...

Wow.

I can only imagine what that's like.

I hope you can find a solution that will make you and the kids happy. Whenever I have considered ending a relationship,(not a marraige, mind you, and kids weren't involved, either) I always thought about it this way-would I be MORE unhappy without him, or would I be happier? At least you are not considering the whole. "Well we have to stay together for the kids." Because a lot of times that is worse for them than a divorce.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

beebop said...

I thought webber's was some crazy ass canadian thing...you never know...hahahaha