Tuesday, February 06, 2007

She Saw The Panic In My Eyes

Yesterday, I went to the doctor's to get my eyes checked out, because I knew I had pink eye, thanks that that old episode of South Park where there's a pink eye outbreak that turns the characters into aliens and Kenny dies a horrible death at the end. Most of my knowledge comes from television.

I'm not sure how I got pink eye, considering that I'm kind of obsessive with the hand washing and the purrell use, and I don't poke myself in the eye to entertain myself when I get bored in the office and I've read all my blogs.

I'm sure I got pink eye because I have a cootie-carrying possession known as a toddlerus maximus. See, once again, knowledge from TV, this time from old Wile E. Coyote & Road Runner episodes that taught me that if you write stuff in fake latin, it's always much funnier.

The point is, I went to the doctor, something I haven't done for a sick visit in so long that I don't remember ever going to a doctor before when I felt like crap.

I told the doctor my symptoms, that my eyes were gooped shut in the morning, that my glands were swollen, that I was tired, etc. She looked at me suspiciously and responded "Could you be pregnant?"

I froze. Could I be what?

"Pregnant," she repeats. "Could you have gotten pregnant during the past few weeks. Are you using contraception."

Oh, contraception! No, I've never heard of this said contraception doctor.

So I proceed to meekly explain to her that we're currently not having sex because I'm a woman who's married which means I've snatched my prey and never have to put out again or shave my legs.

And the few times where the whining about the lack of sex gets to me, I only put out when I'm not supposed to be ovulating. And that once, we did have sex during the crucial time, but I made him wear a condom.

"Are you on the pill?"

uhm. no.

She sighs.

My heart is pounding. We're going to start trying, I tell her, but in April or May. Not really now.

And then I tell her that I'm quite fertile. When we were trying for Little Man, we only had sex once during my ovulation period and 39 weeks later, I had a bundle of joy.

Getting pregnant's not the hard part for me, it's staying alive for nine months while my body shuts down under the pressure of growing another human being.

She diagnoses me with pink eye and tells me that it doesn't "look" like I'm pregnant, but I definitely have a bacterial infection which matches all my symptoms.

But of course, the nagging can't stop in my brain. There was that one time earlier this month where I figured that I was one day away from the ovulation window and thought "we should be fine."

I don't care when the next baby comes, I just need it to be after I've been in my job 12 months so that I get the maternity benefits. If I were pregnant now, I'd be just two weeks shy of that if the baby was full term, which probably wouldn't happen.

This doctor also told me that because I had a c-section, no one "except for county hospitals" would allow me to have a vaginal birth. I smiled and nodded, but I thought to myself "your closed-mindedness is why you will remain as my pink eye doctor and not my ob gyn."

On the way home, Little Man and I stopped by Target and got a two-pack pregnancy test. Little Man proudly clutched it in the store, waving it around so that everyone would know his mother puts out, despite what daddy says. I paid for it, went home and took one of the tests, despite being four days away from my period and using evening urine when you're supposed to use first-thing-in-the-morning urine.

The box said the test would be 53 percent accurate with morning urine four days before.

It was negative.

This morning, I didn't take a test. I don't think I'm pregnant.

I can't be pregnant.

My ob gyn appointment isn't until the 21st and that's the appointment where her and I will be discussing whether I need to meet with a specialist to decide if I should even be trying to get pregnant.

As for the pink eye, well, the doctor didn't even freaking remember to call in my prescription, so when I went to pick up the drops last night, they weren't there. Glad that my main practitioner is so good at what she does.




random_mommy said...

those early pregnancy tests are not what they seem... they only tell 5 days early if you have a typical 28 day cycle... as a rule, you can know if you're knocked up 10 days after you ovulate, which may or may not be 5 days before a missed period...
my mom told me pink eye was like an std. your eye has an std. stop letting dirty boys stick things in your eye.

Julie said...

Those pink eye drops are a bitch - they stung so bad when I had it earlier this year. I'm sure you know your body though so if you're sure you're probably right!

Emma in Canada said...

What? WHAT?? That was so unexpected. Now I'll be forever wondering and turning on my computer first thing every morning to see if you are.

Beccy said...

Never heard of pink eye, it sounds pretty though I'm sure it's not!

Keep us updated on the 'pregnancy'.

By the way I had pre eclampsia on my first pregnancy and ended up having an emergency c section. I was told I would always need a section. I moved to another country and had two relatively easy vaginal births.

random_mommy said...

i too am on the edge of my seat.