Monday, February 26, 2007

I Much Prefer Oscar the Grouch

I have to admit, I don't watch the entire Oscar ceremony. Call me a snob, but I really don't care to watch a bunch of people I've never heard of thank their mother for making them such an incredible costume designer or cinematographer or drug dealer to the stars.

And because the Oscars hate people like me who just flip it on during commercials of other shows, I only catch the crappy awards. Not the good ones. Or I catch the endless montages that makes me think that Hollywood will not rest until every single frame of every single movie has been shown to the world.

I also find the award shows particularly painful to watch, because self-obsessed stars can't even be bothered to clap until their own name has been clapped. Or if you're like Nicole Kidman, and you're not nominated, you don't clap. Ever. Is she afraid of breaking a bone if she breaks into a golf clap? What is that icy bitch's problem?

And then there's nipple-gate of 2007. I'm probably going to blow this out of proportion, because, you see, Sweetie Pie and I were still smoking during the Janet Jackson nipple-freeing episode. Thinking the half-time show would be boring, we stepped outside and missed the entire thing. It wasn't until I got in my car the next day to go to work that I found out we'd missed what might be the defining moment of our generation.

So now, I've got to hype up the new nipple incident. And I'm talking about Gwyneth Paltrow. First, there was her hair. Don't get me started on that. Unless she's been growing it for locks of love, there's no reason for it to be so long she has to pull it out of the toilet every time she takes a dump. And is her right shoulder broken? Because why does every strand of hair need to rest on the left one.

But what gets me is that you're a mom of two and you come out on a brightly-lit stage in front of one billion people in a dress that is see-through at the boobie level.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those uptight "boobies are gross unless I'm touching them" hypocrites.

I sunbathe topless in France. I'm completely for breastfeeding in public.

What I don't understand is the "look at me! I'm wearing a dress and you can see my boobies!" look. Especially when you're famous. And pictures are being taken of you. And your kids will see those pictures some day. And they may not want to see their Mommy's boobies. I'm just saying.

On a completely different note, I find that when Little Man greatly irritates me, that I tend to fall into Work Catwoman.

By that I mean that each of us has different personalities. Like there's Party Catwoman who drinks too much and used to flirt with weird men, only to bail out of there when they got creepy. Then there's Home Catwoman, who likes to do domestic things like organize her recipes and create the Family Recipe Collection that should be totally saved in case of fire, because my freaking Easy Mexican Dip recipe is to die for. Then there's Work Catwoman, who's sometimes serious and uses words like "perspective" and "at the end of the day." And then there's Mom Catwoman, who cracks up and believes playing hide and seek with a toddler for four hours is the best way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

When Little Man gets very irritating or whiny, I find that I'll sometimes fall into Work Catwoman. This is when I say things to Little Man like "I'm really not liking your attitude right now." or "Do you really believe that whining is the best course of action?" or "Your strategy for getting an extra cookie is quite flawed."

I guess it's better than screaming, but it is quite odd.

Love,

Catwoman.

3 comments:

Emma in Canada said...

I totally missed the nipples, as I spent 2 hours on the phone gossiping about regular folks, something I would never do on a Sunday night that is showing Amazing Race, Cold Case and Desperate Housewives. The show was pretty boring anyway, except that I did enjoy Ellen.

And you are right, it is way better than yelling. Which is what I do.

Julie said...

I'm with Emma - I totally missed Gwenny's nips. We watched Amazing Race and only flipped at commercials. The best part that we did catch was Will Smith's little boy presenting - he was a doll - and flibbed his lines which make proud papa Will crack up.

Beccy said...

I totally missed them but then they're on in the middle of the night here. I just hear the next day who won the main awards.

I like your strategy. I flip between calm, patient mum to going bananas, screeching mum.