Monday, February 19, 2007

Day 1 All Over Again

Oh there will be much bloodshed. And crying. Lots of crying.

I have now been on a diet for approximately 14 hours, since that was my last real meal.

I am on a mission. I will lose 15 pounds. If people have to be killed for me to get to that goal, well, they just shouldn't have stood between me and my Special K.

So far, so good. I've eaten a bowl of Special K with non-fat milk and had a cup of coffee with fat free Vanilla Coffee Mate. Did you know they make Special K with chocolate now? I'm serious. This is the equivalent of offering a lesbian with a penis. But Special K has managed it.

So I had my bowl of Special K with chocolate. And when I opened the bag, I admit, they'd sprayed it with chocolate scented Febreeze or something, because the aroma of chocolate made my whole body tingle. And when I poured the cereal in the bowl, I was amazed that the chocolate was not only quite present, but they weren't merely chocolate dust, oh no, these were full size chocolate chunks. At this point I was giddy, and not just because John Roberts was on CNN Morning with Soledad O'Brien, because he's Canadian and I love him. I've known him (in the way that he's been on my TV screen for 20 years) since he was JD Roberts on Canada AM.

Anyway, so I'm sitting with my bowl of chocolate, watching John Roberts tell me all about how Prince Harry might go to war and I'm thinking to myself "I can do this. I will lose 15 pounds and not look like a beached whale in those new seersucker shorts I bought last week."

But now, it's 9:39. And I'm freaking hungry. And I might rip out the nose hairs through their nostrils of anyone who dares to step into my cube to talk to me.

I've heard that if you stick to a diet for three weeks, then you're going to stick with it forever and lose the weight. Or something equally idiotic. Three weeks? How is that humanly possible? What have I ever done that's lasted three weeks?

For lunch, I'm having a Slimfast, some strawberries and a pap smear.

The pap smear isn't part of my diet. That'd be really weird. Although, if I could eat fast food every day and lose a ton of weight from having a daily pap smear, I would totally do it.

That's way easier than eating less food. But if I don't lose 15 pounds, I will be even fatter after baby number two. And then I'll have to be on a diet even longer. The impossibility of this makes me hate Heidi Klum very much.

Except for when she's on Project Runway, because I freaking love that show.

I'm going to go now. Maybe if I chew on my hangnails I can convince my brain that I'm not really starving to death.




beebop said...

That special K is freaking awesome, I do concur!
I wonder how many points pap smears are?
I'm glad to have a fellow blogger trying to shed some ass!

Emma in Canada said...

How'd I miss this post? I saw JD Roberts (I just can not call him John) on some show where they said something about him being Canadian and his response was "I'm not Canadian." Slimey bastard, I've hated him ever since then.