Friday, February 23, 2007

A Better Day

I know many of you were concerned. And I really appreciate your thoughts. To me, this blog is really my diary, my journal. None of my family knows about this blog. Sweetie Pie doesn't know about this blog. And only a few of my friends, the ones who I'd tell my most personal thoughts to anyway, know about this blog.

Now any man would argue that if I'm going to write things that I'd tell my friends anyway, shouldn't Sweetie Pie know about those things too, since after all, your husband is supposed to be your best friend?

Any woman would scoff at that statement. Men and women are different. There are things we can tell our girlfriends. Like stories about penis-shaped poop. And sitting down and farting at the same time, only to be overwhelmed by the fumes. Men don't appreciate these stories from their wives. And there's only so much your man can hear about vaginal discharges when you're pregnant. Girlfriends could not only listen to you go on all day about how yours are strong enough to burn a hole in your maternity underwear, but they contribute their own stories.

But back to the saga.

So last night, I came home. Spoke to Sweetie Pie as little as I could. We ate dinner in silence, except for Little Man's babbles. And then I went to take him to bed. By the time I was done all of this, Grey's Anatomy was about to come on. And so I changed the channel. This was a big episode. Part 3 of 3. Would Meredith live or die? I need to know these things.

But Sweetie Pie said to me "I know you love this show, but I'm really scared right now."

My heart stopped. I knew there'd be a discussion. I just didn't know if I was ready to have it.

And then Sweetie Pie started to cry. Which is the equivalent of my black lab meowing. It just doesn't happen.

And my heart broke. And I felt horrible. Horrible for writing the things I had. Horrible for thinking the things I had. Horrible for breaking the love of my life's heart. And so we held each other for a while. And neither one of us said anything, except for the few "please don't cry" I whispered.

And then we talked. For the next hour, until the DVR forced Grey's Anatomy which I had paused to come on, because it was out of memory.

We talked about how disconnected we each felt. How I didn't feel loved. How two of my three worlds (Little Man and work) were so great, and made me feel loved and the third didn't. How he felt that he was sitting on the sidelines and watching the Catwoman and Little Man show. Which only brought images of me and Little Man wearing top hats and dancing on a stage in my head, which is a whole other story for another day.

And so we wrote a list. A list of things that we can do to reconnect as a couple. And as a family.

And an hour later, we had a plan in place. One where once a week, every Wednesday, Sweetie Pie will pick up some heat and eat items from the prepared food counter at our fancy grocery store and heat those up while I bathe Little Man. And then we'll have dinner just the two of us. No kids. No TV.

And the other nights, we'll move Little Man's bath routine to our big bathtub in our big bathroom and both give him a bath together. And then we'll do story time together. I'll read the French books and Sweetie Pie will read the English books.

Marriage is work. I think we all agree on that. And I'd gotten to the point that I just didn't know if I still had it in me to keep working at it. Because I didn't feel rewarded enough.

But what I've learned last night is that I need to keep remembering that I am married to an introvert. And that he's not going to run up and hug me, or say MMMMMMMMM about everything I cook for him, the way my toddler does.

So today is a better day. We both slept in the middle of the bed, Sweetie Pie with his arms around me for the first time in a long time. It's nice to not feel alone anymore.




random_mommy said...

I'm so happy for you three. Don't feel bad about venting a little. It helps more than anyone knows!

The Professor said...

Not sure how many men read your blog but there is at least one. I agree that marriage is work, sometimes a huge amount of very hard work. I am glad you have a plan but you better start working on the next plan becuase (and I'm NOT trying to be ugly or a nay-sayer) if he is as much of a typical man as you suggest, this plan will only work for a short time. Be ready with the next set of ideas of how to make things work.

susan said...

*big hug* I'm so glad Sweetie Pie could show you his emotions.

beebop said...

there are times when I am in the bathroom where I wish i had my camera handy so i could capture the this one time it looked like a serpent was crawling out of the bowl...HAHAHAHAHAHA

oh, and the serious part of your post, that makes me happy! have a great weekend!

Beccy said...

It's great to hear you had the talk and things are moving in the right direction. Reading you I have found a category for my hubby, introvert. We get on best when I accept him warts and all and not long for change (read passion). There are no highs and lows but we plod on happily together. I know he loves me when he listens to me bawl over nothing, as he did today.

TexasBluegoose said...

I read your blog with such agony yesterday and have thought about it since, debating if I should write a comment or not. In truth I've read your blog since before you were even pregnant with little man, and despite the fact we've never met I feel like I really know you. That being said, you don't know me and are probably thinking why do I care for the advice of a strange person on the internet? They don't know me or my family. True....but I feel like I do and according to the friend of yours who suggested I read this blog you and I are virtually the same person.

So I have a few things that I'd like to say that I've sat on for 24 hours before writing. Take my advice and opinions for what you will...

Some friends and I were talking about marriage and divorce this weekend and how people just give up too easily these days and don't take marraige seriously. After reading so many responses telling you to figure out what is right for you I was so frusterated. You display one glimmer of distance and frusteration and people are like "well if it's not working it's not working" WHAT? How about if it's not working then make some changes? What happened to working on things? My mother made a statement when I was young that the only reasons for leaving a marraige are "cheating and beating" the rest of your problems can be overcome. (Perhaps emotional abuse could be added ot the list but it doesn't rhyme.) I know that over-simplifies things a lot, but in general it's a good rule. If you have two people that care about eachother then anything else can be overcome.

I am about to recommend a book to you that I know will get anyone who's not a fan of the author to come screaming out of the hills about how TXBluegoose is a crazy conservative and should be ignored. But I will tell you this, no where in my wedding vows did the word obey come up, if someone suggests I serve my man I spit in their face and tell them to go back to 1952 and beat the person from that decade that told them that...I could go on but you get the idea. The book is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger (sp?) I love advice shows and columns and started listening to her years ago...often because I thought she was so off it was rediculious. Then I got married to my hubby who I had been dating for 5 years. To say the first few months of our marriage were hard is the biggest understatemnet I'd ever heard. We fought like we'd never fought before, and me, the person who didn't believe in divorce considered it two months into married life. Then I started listening to Dr. Laura and callers talking about her then new book and the difference it was making in their lives and marraiges. I started applying a few of the ideas suggested on the radio to my marraige and was amazed at the difference they made. The book is like $14 on I recomend you read enjoy shopping online so bonus, and if you read it and think everything is crap then you've only wasted $14...I think worth the investment to save your marriage, bring happiness and caring back to it and most importantly keep little man's family together.

Catwoman said...

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and well wishes! And Texas Blue Goose, thanks for delurking! Why would I listen to a stranger you say? Well, that's kind of the best part of the blog community, isn't it? I kind of think of it as TV, but better. Here are people who write about their day-to-day lives, their joy, their heartbreak, their successes and failure and we read about it. I know that there are many blogs that I read where I feel like I know the person and don't hesitate to post my thoughts about their relationship or any other issue they're having. And to be honest, before I read your comment, it never even occured to me not to share my opinion or advice, even when I didn't know the person in "real life."

That's the beauty of blogs. You become emotionally involved with their journals.

So I appreciate your point of view and everyone else's. And I have to tell you, I can't stand Dr. Laura either. I've tried to listen to her show once and almost drove my car into a pole, just to no longer have to hear her crap. So I'm highly intrigued by the fact that you say you felt the same way but loved her book. What's $14 spent on a book when I've spent so much money on other crap? :)

I also hear on a morning show here that there's this great book called "The New Rules of Marriage" by Terrence Real. So I've ordered that one and Dr. Laura's book and will be reading them.

I don't know if I was ready to give up to be honest with you. I think I just needed to hear that I wasn't the only one who wanted this marriage. And who wanted more out of this marriage.

Emma in Canada said...

I don't think when I said do what is right for you that I meant for you to walk away from your marriage without talking or counselling or anything else.

Anyway, just wanted to say I am glad you guys were able to talk. I know what it is like to live in a house where the adults don't have much to say to each other.

rookiemom said...


So glad things are on their way to being fine again.

Good Luck!

jempress said...

wwaaaaah! husbands who cry make me cry, and husbands who cry because they're scared of losing their wife and family -- *sob*

so glad that you both were able to communicate honestly with each other, and to have a good plan in motion.

If you want any more marriage resources - i've got plenty under my sleeve (it's nice having a marriage and family counselor as my practicum professor :). just let me know!

Julie said...

I'm glad you talked things over and have made strides to improve your relationship. Sometimes the anticipation of those conversations are way worse than actually having them. I'm glad you feel better, I'm sure Sweetie Pie does also.