Monday, January 29, 2007

Weekends Are For Overeating And Dodging Sex

So I accomplished two things this weekend: fell off the diet bandwagon with a thud that could be heard halfway across the world and avoided any kind of intimate contact with Sweetie Pie.

Both of these things came to me naturally, I must admit. The diet disruption happened when I didn't have my Slim Fast on Saturday morning, and was so starved after Little Gym, that the simple thought of a salad was enough to make me want to go on a killing spree. So I swung by a McDonald's drive through, got myself a McGriddle sandwich (without cheese. Processed cheese is the most disgusting item that has the gall to put itself in the food category, where things like chocolate and Brie belong) and a hash brown and inhaled them the second I got home.

Then that night, we went to Steak and Shake for dinner, and I got my self a burger with Swiss cheese and fries, yummy wonderful matchstick shaped fried goodness that they were. And each bite was better than the previous one.

Then on Sunday, I figured, why stop there? So I made us all organic macaroni and cheese and ate one bowl of it, and then inhaled as much of the rest of the pot as I could over the trash can, making scrapping noises to make it sound to Sweetie Pie like I was dumping it, rather than sucking up congealed macaroni and cheese through a straw directly into my blubbering thighs.

I fully intended on having steak with mashed potatoes for dinner on Sunday, but Sweetie Pie's parents called us to inquire about having dinner with them at Chili's and so I was able to make sure that my fat quota could be really surpassed by sharing an order of queso and then order a platter with three fried items on it: boneless chicken wings, Soutwest eggrolls and spinach artichoke dip.

Then I passed out in a food coma. And my pants rewarded me by being even tighter this morning, so that I look like Demi Moore on that old Vanity Fair cover where she was naked but had a tuxedo painted on her body.

As for the whole avoiding sex issue, I was having one of those weekends where I just wanted to beat the shit out of Sweetie Pie, just for being there. He was in a foul mood in my defense, which was only made worse by the fact that we had a teething, over-exhausted toddler who did nothing but whine, scream and complain the entire time. This made me want to beat Sweetie Pie to death with a wooden spoon, because after all, this is his genes at work. My genes are the ones that made Little Man discover the wonderfulness of chips and hot sauce.

That's right, people. My freaking toddler eats hot sauce. He fucking rocks. Where most toddlers are content eating bland foods like chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese, mine says "where the hell are the jalapenos, bitch?"




Julie said...

I am very hungry now after reading your post! A shake and McD's sounds delicious right about now. A hot sauce eating toddler - that is a new one!

Beccy said...

If you're going to jump off the diet bandwagon you may as well do it in style!

Catwoman said...

Well then, I did it with so much style, that I'll have my own runway show at the Paris Fashion Week.

Adam Presley said...

The things kids choose to eat and not eat... so awesome. My niece loves anything that can be dipped into. Fantabulous.

Goose said...

I am actually sorry to hear you fell or jumped off the diet wagon. However living through you on your dive into the food pool has been quite enjoyable. I have been on a diet for 1 year and 29 days. Though I cheated on Christmas, I have not made it a weekly thing. Though I must admit it keeps getting harder and harder to stick with it.

On kids and what they eat. I stopped eating of the kids menu when I was 5. The more things you introduce them to when they are small the broader their tastes will be.
Hot sauce eating kids rock.

Emma in Canada said...

Liam too is a lover of hot sauce. It goes on anything from his eggs at breakfast to whatever meat he eats with dinner. I figure my love of spicy food during pregnancy did my kids no harm. Except for maybe Sophie's all powerful man farts.