Monday, January 15, 2007

Not Sure Why, But It Kind of Tastes Like Sperm

So it's official. I'm on a diet.

This was triggered by 20/20. I watch it kind of religiously. Have ever since I was 14 years old, when me, my mom and my sisters used to watch it. It was the only day of the week we were allowed to watch TV past our bed times. So I guess just hearing the words 20/20 make me feel happy.

Of course, there were a number of party years where I wouldn't have been caught dead in my apartment on a Friday night. But now that I'm older and staying up past 10:30 seems really laughable, I'm back to watching 20/20 on Friday nights. I guess that's what some people would call going full circle.

Anyway, I was watching 20/20 on Friday night and there was a segment about this new diet sweeping the nation (which I was unaware of, because I'm too busy trying to find pictures of Britney's naked cooch in my spare time) and it was created by Dr. Oz, that weird-looking accented doctor that is Oprah's new BFF.

He wrote a book called "You on a diet." Of course, as all things that appear on TV, I must own it now. Because it sounded really, really swell on TV. One of the great things that they mentioned in the piece is that if you eat a handful of almonds or other nuts 20 minutes before you eat, you will eat a lot less. And they also said that the people who are most successful with diets are the people who eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day. Doing these two things guarantees you will look like Kate Hudson apparently.

Anyway, what really hit home is that they said that it wasn't about weight, it was about "Waist Management." That if you waist is 35 inches or above, you are at an increased risk of diabetes, heart disease and all of that other stuff that just isn't as fun as the hamburger with guacamole is.

So I paused the Tivo. Got myself up. Found the tape measurer. Dusted it off. And found out that my waist was exactly 35 inches.

How did this happen? I used to be a 25 or 26. Sure, this was when I was 18. But still. 9 inches in 13 years?

So that was it. I've started my new diet. It's inspired by Dr. Oz. But since I can't buy his book, I've created my own version of his diet. Here it is:

Breakfast at desk (between 8 & 8:30): French Vanilla Slimfast. I've also gotten some chocolate ones. I thought the vanillas would be good. But to me, they taste like a ginormous can of sperm. Some of you might think this is a good thing. I'm not one of them. Ginormous cup of Chai tea to cover disgusting taste and relax gag reflex.

10 a.m. Snack of one cut up apple.

Noon: Salad with organic greens, walnuts, raspberry and blue cheese. Half a hard boiled egg. Salad spritzed with new dressing spray that only has one calorie per spray. Attempt to limit myself to fewer than 50 sprays.

2:30 p.m. 10 almonds and chocolate mousse yogurt.

6:30 p.m. Whatever the hell I want at home (limit cookies to less than one pack.)

There.

Take that waist! I'm this much closer to becoming a MILF!

Love,

Catwoman.

10 comments:

Emma in Canada said...

I watched that 20/20 too. And I measured my waist. And it is not even close to 35. I thought it would be 35 or 36 but nooooo. Granted, I used one of the toolbox measuring tapes but it shouldn't have been that big a difference. I think I'm going to try that diet too, now that I have successfully polished off all the frozen cookie dough.

And she wonders why she's fat.

In other news, if you were talking about the trailer park post as the one that received no comments, I was going to but I had a screaming baby. It was a funny, funny post though (as I find all of yours.)

And, finally, in my quest to make this the longest comment ever...to find out your stats try sitemeter. I have both sitemeter and statcounter on mine (statcounter gives you higher stats but sitemeter seems better) If you scroll all the way to the bottom of mine you can link to them from there. And sitemeter will show you my stats...exciting stuff.

Beccy said...

Never heard of 20/20 and am feeling too scared to measure my waist, maybe later!

Love the diet, prehaps I'll join in though don't fancy the slimfast that tastes like sperm, think I'll stick with porridge!

random_mommy said...

i love how you can tell when a canadian or british person is writing... not only does it sound better in person, but it reads better too.

there is a college town in alabama that has trees that emit a smell that is exactly like semen. ironic.

susan said...

Did you suck in your gut? When you measure yourself for this you can suck it in. :)

Beccy said...

OK so I sucked in my stomach and measured. Waist under 35 inches so I'm ok BUT only an inch under so I'm not really ok. Plus am going away with super slim mother-in-law-and three super slim sisters-in-law in June so this calls for drastic action.

Catwoman said...

Trees that smell like sperm? Interesting... Don't think I'll be planting those any time soon. I wonder if Slimfast uses that tree as their secret ingredient though.

I kind of half sucked in when I measured, because I wanted the brutal truth. But I think if I stick to my diet, I'll suck in my gut when I measure in one month, just so I can feel really good about my progress.

And Emma? You had a baby 5 months ago! You have an excuse! Mine's 16 months old now, I'm officially out of excuses.

And Beccy, if you're under 35 (even if by one inch), you rock! No diabetes or heart disease for you! Congrats!

Beccy said...

Phew you put my mind to rest but I'd still like to lose a good few inches, I have to to become a milf!

Catwoman said...

MILFs of the world, unite!

By the way, I totally blew my diet at lunch. I met two girlfriends and ate my weight in chips and salsa. Damn Mexican restaurants with their tortilla chips that are all shiny with grease.

It makes me mad that I drank that nasty Slimfast shake for nothing. I could have had a bagel with bacon cream cheese again.

Beccy said...

If this makes you feel better, I went for a two hour walk, loads of fresh air and exercise then stopped in a cafe and had a bagel with sausages and cream cheese while telling my friend that I wanted to become a MILF!

Catwoman said...

The first step in becoming a MILF is telling others about being a MILF. Good first step Beccy.

Unless we're like Fight Club. And then we're totally breaking the rules.