Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I'm Now One of Them

When I was young and single and skinnier and had large boobs that looked up towards the sun, I had many hobbies. Most of them involved drinking and watching TV, but I was out there, and I was cool and I had many things to talk about.

And at every job, there'd always be that one lame person who had kids. And all they'd freaking talk about was those kids. "Joey did this." "Oh, Maria said the funniest thing! (Insert non-funny story about kid saying something wrong like "pasghetti, then insert my fake laugh and internal eye rolling)."

Then I had Little Man. And I became someone who looks fairly thin when I'm dressed, because I've mastered the art of optical illusions and my boobs only look straight ahead when they're put in the booby equivalent to a straight jacket with a Victoria's Secret label on it. And the first year of his life, I was at home alone with him. He was pretty much my everything, except for scrapbooking.

And the only adults I ever saw besides Sweetie Pie, were other moms. Who talked about poop and vomit and sleep deprivation and not showering before 5 p.m. (if at all) and other topics that all of a sudden, fascinated me. And it was no big deal that I'd become one of those people I used to loathe, because I was surrounded by others like me.

It was like a mommy cult, except instead of tainted kool-aid, we'd drink water or non-alcoholic beverages and yearn for anything that contains tequila.

But now, I'm at work again. And I find that when my co-workers, neither of which has kids, ask me "what'd you do this weekend?", I will launch into a dissertation on the effects of teething on diapers and vividly describe my son's diarrhea to people who enjoyed getting hammered with friends and did activities like horseback riding with their boyfriend and checking out the newest restaurant.

And when they leave, I slap myself in the head, because I know they're thinking "dude, get a freaking hobby."

I completely understand the concept of Empty Nest Syndrome now. When Little Man leaves in 17 years, what the hell am I going to talk about?

So I'm trying now. I talk about Grey's Anatomy excessively and clever things I've read on the Internet. And reality shows. I am quickly getting a reputation for being all-knowing about all reality shows on MTV.

Which, to me, is still better than coming off to 20-something year old people "as that old lady with kids who has no freaking life."

Before I leave, I want to give a shout out to my male readers who comment!!!! For the longest time, my blog was coming off as a National Organization of Women blog, as my only readers seemed to be women. I'm not sure what led you here boys, if you're one of my weird google searches looking for MILF's or big boobies. But whatever it is, I heart you. I will try to incorporate raunchiness as much as I can when not discussing c-section scars and 4 a.m. teething issues.




Adam Presley said...

Sent here by a regular female reader I work with. She LOVES your blog, and I find it amusing as well. As for kids, well, I got two of em, so I understand how suddenly your vocabulary that once consisted of something over 100,000 words, now is reduced to ooo, ahhh, googoo, gaagaa. Hehe

Emma in Canada said...

For the past 12 years I have had nothing to talk about other than children. My friends without them all drifted away. My oldest friend is now expecting twins and I think I have talked to her more in the last 5 months than in the previous 5 years.

What it this optical illusion of which you speak? I don't think it would work with me as there is absolutely no pretending thinness at all.

And why do you not ever post pictures of your scrapbook pages?

Julie said...

I just wrote a long comment and blogger deleted it - damn! As I said, I am one of 2 working parents in my department of 25ish. Thankfully the other parent is the "nutty" one - with kid drawn pictures all over their cube, photos everywhere, etc. At least I'm seen as the "cool" parent - at least I think I am!

Love scrapbooking - I just suck at it.

susan said...

People read your blog who do not even know you! Does this make you an author? Kick Ass.

Catwoman said...

Emma, the reason I don't post pictures of my scrapbooking pages is because you guys have my writing to laugh at (and I don't mean that in an obnoxious "I'm so funny, laugh at what I write," more like "Haha, look at what a train wreck this girl is and look! There's another typo.") My scrapbook pages look like they're put together by a five-year old. I'm really not saying this out of modesty. My strategy is five steps:

- Stick picture on piece of colored paper.
- Trim colored paper
- Stick colored paper on page
- Repeat until almost out of room
- Put random stickers from large collection of stickers on page to fill blank space
- Write what's happening on page.

I have subscriptions to one scrapbooking magazine and I end up setting each issue on fire, because those people use photoshop techniques and all this creativity that I will never have. Therefore, I must destroy the evidence that I suck massively.

I'm all about quantity, not quality when it comes to scrapbooking.

And Susan, yes, I'm a big author now with all of 5 people I don't know reading my blog! :) Look for me on next week's Oprah!

MartiniGal said...

I have seen your scrapbooks and they don't contain THAT much glue!

And, coming from one of your regular blog readers that love you in person... I love you for your typos too!

Beccy said...

Stuff the cool mum at work bit I want to know how you've mastered the art of optical illusions to look fairly thin???

You could market this and make millions then you wouldn't need to work and then you wouldn't need to look cool to your work colleagues and you could hire a chef and a personal trainer.....

I think I'm getting a bit carried away!

random_mommy said...

i think it's the turd shaped like a penis and balls that is drawing the male readers... i know that's what keeps me coming back several times a day!

Beccy said...

Hey catwoman, I hope you don't mind but I've tagged you. I've not been reading you long enough to knoe if you do these memes but this will save me trawling through your backposts if you take up the challenge!

Catwoman said...

Beccy, I'm intrigued... I've never been tagged before, I feel very loved and special (seriously, this new lovey dovey catwoman is getting on my nerves too... I promise I'll get PMS and go back to my angry bitter ways soon). I will take you up on your meme.

And Random Mommy, maybe you're right. My ability to poop out a perfect penis with testicles has always attracted men to me. Weird men, but men nonetheless. A girl can't always be picky.