Thursday, October 05, 2006

A Letter To My Spammers

Dear Spammers:

When I first got email, roughly around the time Nirvana was still a band and Britney Spears was a virgin, a.k.a. ages ago, you weren't around. Then, you began emailing me and at first, I was flattered by the attention.

But now, you are like that guy whose calls you haven't taken in months and still tells people you're an item. I don't open your emails, my account was disconnected for almost a week when there was a power failure, which should have made you think that I'm dead, yet, you keep emailing. And I'm not talking once or twice a day. This morning, I had 132 new messages in my inbox and only one of them wasn't from you. I feel like I could join the witness protection program and you would still find me. Do you work for the mob, spammers?

I just want to take this opportunity to clarify a few things with you, because these items tend to be the things you're persistent about:

1. I don't have a penis. I'm a girl. Girls don't have penises. Should I decide to go out and get a penis, I will be certain to get a really large penis, the world's largest penis that constantly gets caught in my socks so that I have no need for your penis enlargement pills, patches and whatever other ways you've found to make human flesh, blood vessels and nerves grow.

2. I'm not interested in being a god in bed. Once again, I'm a girl. Girls get to be goddesses in bed. And frankly, I'm not interested in being that either, because just mustering up enough interest to have sex at all is work enough. And don't tell me I have libido issues and try to sell me some other pill. I don't have libido issues. Sex is for horny teenagers. I'm 31 now. I have Tivo and that's my new idea of sex. Until I'm ready to make more babies that is. And frankly spammer, I don't want you to have anything to do with baby making either.

3. I appreciate you caring about the diseases I may have, but for the record, I'm offended that you believe I'm a disease carrier. Personally, I sure as hell wouldn't email anyone who's diseased, as I'd worry I could catch their ebola or chlamydia simply by typing in their email address. But if I did have diseases, I wouldn't buy drugs for them from someone who spells the word as "desease" in the subject line. I'm pretty sure I'd go see a doctor instead.

4. I don't know who "she" is, but I'm not interested in making her horny for me. First of all, because I'm straight, and it'd be really weird to have some woman in heat following me around. I have a baby with me all day. This would be very inappropriate, and her constant attempts at licking my face may scar him for life.

5. I'm glad to hear 67 percent of your members get laid (oh, and learn the concept of irony, 69 percent would have actually made me open your email as a mini-kudos to your 14-year old boy humor), but here's the thing: I'm married. I could pick up the phone right now and tell my husband to come home for sex, and he would. So I can get laid anytime I want to, I just usually choose not to, because the fall TV schedule is really, really good. Either way, I don't need your members to do it, especially the ones using your penis growth drugs.

So please, go email my neighbor from across the street, the one who parks his car on our side yard all the time. He's bald, which I'm sure is a "desease" in your book and I'm sure he's got a small dick with the way he thinks other people's sprinkler heads should serve as his very own parking spot.



1 comment:

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I have issued a fatwa strongly condemning these spammer infidels.