Thursday, September 28, 2006

Two Firsts That Won't Be Included In His Baby Book

Yesterday may have been my worst Mommy Day yet. I'm not sure how it happened, I'm just grateful that once again, I'm not Britney Spears. Not because it means I'm not married to Kevin Federline (although, that's a huge bonus), but because it means that swarms of papparazzi didn't catch these incidents so that they won't appear on the front page of the tabloids.

It's kind of the Little Man's fault. I mean, before, I used to be able to restrain him. First, in his bouncy seat when he was nothing but a little squirmy pink worm. Then in his exersaucer once he could sit up on his own, and eventually in his little Jeep walker. But now that he's a full-grown baby man and walking and able to run off to Siberia if he wants, he's not interested in being duct taped in place.

This means that he gets in trouble, and I, by association, also get in trouble, simply my name is on his birth certificate.

Taking a shower has become difficult. No longer can I restrain Little Man in front of Blue's Clues. I now close the bedroom door, turn on the TV and make sure that he can't figure out how to open the windows to escape. This is usually fine, since I, a former 30-minute bather, have figured out how to shower in under three minutes. Sure, my legs are furrier than any squirrel you've met, but at least I don't stink.

Yesterday, however, I came out of my shower to find my son sitting on the bathroom floor sucking on our bottle of lube.

This was quite alarming, but the bottle of lube was closed, so it's not like he'd drank six ounces of slippery goodness. And no, I didn't take a picture of this, because I felt that Child Protective Services might have a case on me if they found out my baby confuses sippy cups for bottles of lube.

I thought of telling Sweetie Pie of the incident, but I knew that his response would be something along the lines of the fact he was glad at least someone was getting some use out of the probably close to expiration lube.

Then in the afternoon, Sweetie Pie had come home and since the Little Man was getting awnry, we took him outside since the backyard always makes him happy. He used to stay confined on the concrete patio, but as of this past weekend, he discovered that the lawn could indeed be walked on as well.

We were chatting about Sweetie Pie's day when all of a sudden behind me I hear a "ooooh!"

I whirl around to find my son holding something above his head to show us his find of the century. I know that look very well, it's one that I usually have when I've found a great deal at Boxing Day sales, something you Americans are totally missing out on in life.

Unfortunately, my son was not holding a cute designer knock off purse for 70 percent off. He was however holding in his pudgy little hand a dog turd.

After running across the yard at a speed that would make Olympian sprinters green with envy, I completely bathed my son five times in Purrell and then scraped off the top three layers of skin from his entire body with industrial-strength anti-bacterial soap.

Never have I seen a more disturbing sight than a 12-month old boy holding someone else's poop.

Britney, feel free to use me as an example the next time you screw up. Simply tell them in that ever-thickening drawl of yours "But Matt, there are way worst mothers than me, ya'll."

And I will accept the shame of slipping on the job.

I think I'll go drive around the block really fast with the Little Man on my lap now as my punishment.




susan said...

If it makes you feel better - Katie almost choked to death while I was reading this!! She peeled a piece of tape off of a box (that I forgot I crammed under the couch), and tried to eat it. Damn babies.

random_mommy said...

Coincidence... hmmm. My little one found a bottle of lube stashed in the nightstand drawer, but I, being so oddly amused, did choose to take a picture. Husband was not amused.

random_mommy said...

oh, and, don't forget your economy size pack of bubblelicious bubble gum to smack on during your interview... and your ridiculously revealing outfit...

jempress said...

wah, i'm a ditz. i read random mommy's comment and immediately thought, "what? catwoman's looking for a job??" however, to my credit, i did miss the britney spears interview ;)

random_mommy said...

i have a creeping feeling that we could play lots of dirty practical jokes on jempress... hmmm...