Friday, September 15, 2006

Apparently I'm an Animal Hater

I've always thought that I loved animals. In many ways, I like animals a lot more than humans. Except for those horrible yappy dogs. In my book, they're as bad as racist people.

But Sweetie Pie says that I hate animals. Which I don't believe to be true, since all growing up, I never wanted to be anything else than a vet. I loved animals so much, I just wanted to be with them all day long. I hate flies and wasps and spiders. You don't see me wishing I did some creepy job that involves them all day, do you? Therefore, I must actually love animals. (This is starting to sound like on of those SAT logic questions.)

The reason Sweetie Pie says I hate animals is because the things I don't like about them is the reason everyone else loves them so much:

1. Cold Noses: I don't get this. A dog's nose is cold and slimy and they like to stick it in warm places like your butt crack during sex. Why is it that you people think that a wet willy, when given by a dog, is an awesome experience?

2. Puppy Breath: When we first got Satan's Dog, everyone who met him would go on and on about his sweet puppy breath. This is my first puppy, so I'm kind of new at this. But puppy breath is exactly the same stench as the heinous coffee breath that miserable office workers have when they hover over your desk and ask you if you're going to make their impossible deadline while they go have their 9:45 a.m. fifth cup of coffee of the day.

3. The Licking: I don't like wet things for the most part. Unless it's a bubble bath or the Caribbean ocean. One wet thing I definitely don't like is the feel of a warm slimy tongue up and down my arm, on my leg or anywhere near my lips. Considering dogs spend a considerable amount smelling other dogs' butts, I have no interest in sharing in the experience with them. And cats' tongues feel like sandpaper and as much as I might believe in exfoliation, I just don't need my cats to handle that step of my skin care for me.

So what do I like about pets? Just about everything else.

I like them sleeping next to me and hearing them bark or meow in their sleep.

I like them welcoming me at the door, even if I've only been gone 30 seconds to the mailbox and making me feel like I'm the greatest person on Earth and they've missed me oh so much.

I like them cocking their head to the side at me when I'm talking to them like they don't understand why the crazy human must tell them all about the storylines of The Young and the Restless.

I love scratching a pup or a kitty behind the ears or giving them a good belly rub and be rewarded with that blissful half-closed look that tells you that they will follow you to the end of the world if you promise to keep the belly rubs coming.

I love sitting on the couch reading a good book, surrounded by complete silence accented with sweet purring.

And I love the fact that dogs and cats never judge me, even if I mess up really badly, like, oh, I don't know... make us miss the end of our favorite summer reality show. That's just some random example I made up. Like that would ever really happen.



1 comment:

random_mommy said...

why do you hate animals so much??? kidding.

but you did leave out their whiskers!!! that's the coolest part of animals!!!

I think your husband thinks you are a bigger ball of hate than previously thought...