Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Serious Loss of Short Term Mem... What Was I Talking About Again?

This is getting bad, really bad. I'm talking about the kind of bad that can make the world fall off its axis. I'd heard of pregnancy brain and thought I kind of developed that. I think the theory goes something like the growing fetus sucks the few brain cells out of its mother so that it has a shot of being smarter than its parents.

And then, after you give birth, there's mommy brain. I'm not sure what the explanation for Mommy brain is. Maybe it's that a woman pushes so hard to get the baby out, that she ends up pushing out her brain with the baby. Maybe there is no such thing as the placenta, maybe it's the brain and nobody knows it.

Whatever the scientific explanation for Mommy brain might be, I am the poster child for it. Look in the dictionary for the definition of "dumb ass" and you'll see my stupid grinning face next to it. Probably wearing one of those hats with a propeller on it that dumb asses wear.

The other day, Jessica Simpson called me a dummy. That's how bad I'm getting. Here are just a few of the things I've done during the past two weeks. And this is by no mean a complete list, since I've probably already forgotten half of the dumb things I've done.

1. What Purse?: On our flight back from Ottawa to Chicago, I managed to fold up my purse in our stroller, which I handed to the gate agent without a single thought. Obviously. Things that my purse contained: our passports, my green card, my wallet, my favorite lipstick and our boarding passes for our next flight. Enough to say that when I realized what I'd done halfway to Chicago, I was kind of pooping my pants. When we landed, I waited for the stroller to be brought up and when I opened it up, there it was, my purse!!!! Amazingly, the purse was unzipped, because I couldn't even remember to do that, making it even more likely for us to lose something. Thankfully, the universe feels sorry for morons and nothing happened to slip out.

2. Ice Cream is Best at Room Temperature: I went to the grocery store the other day, decided to be nice to Sweetie Pie and buy him ice cream, despite being on a diet and being tempted by any sweets within 30 miles of me. I got home, promptly took out the ice cream and then left it out on the counter. I have no idea what my brain did right then and there, but it must have been something like this: Step one: buy ice cream Step two: drive home Step three: bring groceries inside Step four: take ice cream out of bag Step five: oh! Shiny object! Preeeeeeeeetttttty! Sweetie Pie came home four hours later to find the ice cream with a pretty brown puddle under its shell. He didn't think "it's the thought that counts" made up for my being a moron. again.

3. Dear Mr. Robbers: Please Come In. I Keep All My Jewelry Right Here: Sweetie Pie came home yesterday to find the garage door wide open. And my truck gone. Which meant I wasn't home. Which meant that our inside door to the garage was unlocked, so that anyone could easily come into the garage, steal Sweetie Pie's tools and four-wheeler and then conveniently move on to all of our indoor possessions. Because I'm sweet that way. I believe in making people's jobs as easy as possible. Luckily, yesterday was a national holiday for robbers, as they were still recuperating from a really crazy New Year's Eve watching Regis and that big shiny ball drop, so nothing was taken.

4. Bacteria Will Only Make Baby Boy Tougher: I have spent a lot of money with the infant formula companies. I'm like a casino high roller for them. They keep sending me free samples and discount checks, knowing that even if they send me $10,000 worth of stuff, I'll still manage to spend $25,000 with them. So they ain't worried. Formula is expensive and around here, we treat it like it's gold (so the robbers could have never gotten it, because they'd never know the secret code to get into the formula safe, bwa haha! When the formula companies tell you "breastfeeding is best," they mean, it's free you moron and has everything your baby needs in it! Of course, when your boobs serve no purpose than for porn, well, thank goodness the formula companies are around. The other day, Sweetie Pie was in charge of Baby Boy's nightime feeding. When I got up in the morning, he'd left the bottle of pre-mixed formula (brand new, good for about six feedings) out on the counter. I was so pissed. He looked at me and said "I don't know how to use the liquid stuff, I only use the powder, so I'm guessing you left it out yesterday evening." Oh, never mind then. Since you can't feed a baby any formula that's been left out for more than two hours, I poured another six dollars down the drain.

My only accomplishments the past two weeks are to remember to take Baby Boy with me everywhere I go and not forget him anywhere. And to remember to shower at least every other day. Oh, and I remembered to feed the cats once or twice.



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have no idea how I stumbled onto your blog! I think your posts are hysterical! Keep it up!