Friday, October 28, 2005

No Need to Get All Snotty

So let's see, I've been a mother for eight weeks now. And so far, it's been kind of a thankless job.

I've gotten poop on my hands and under my fingernails when baby boy decided that halfway through a diaper change would be a good time to take another dump.

I've been peed on more than a fire hydrant.

I've had my boobs used as a punching bag when he would nurse and get pissed that I wasn't producing enough milk.

And I've been spit up on in all sorts of places: my shoulder, down my back, down my cleavage (I know, sexy!) and in my eye.

The weird thing is, none of those things have freaked me out. Me, with the weak stomach, who if I was reading this on someone else's blog would have to run to the bathroom and hurl at the mere idea of any of these things.

It's strange that once it's your baby, the whole eek factor disappears. Although, I'm sure that if Baby Boy comes home drunk at 18 and hurls all over me then, I probably will mind a lot more.

But now, Baby Boy's gone and gotten himself congested. Way to go! Since he's only 8 weeks old, he doesn't comprehend the whole blowing your nose in a kleenex. And so it's my job to somehow extract the boogers the way miners crawl through dark tight tunnels, hoping to find gold. The thing with miners, is the mine doesn't belong to some screaming creature who doesn't want the gold removed, even if it is preventing important tasks like, say, breathing.

There's a thing called a nasal aspirator. It's this big bulb thing, invented in the Middle Ages as a torture device for babies who committed crimes like sleeping with the King's wife or stealing. Basically, you're supposed to stick this thing up a nostril the size of the eye of a needle and then suck out the snot. And then when it doesn't come out the first time, you're supposed to convince your screaming (and now purple) baby to let you near him again.

Oh the fun! After sucking out my baby's brains one piece of grey matter at a time, but still failing to get the offensive booger out, I resorted to another method.

I got a Q-Tip, delicately placed it up the nostril and fished the snot out. May I say that was so much easier and even though the child was still screaming in anger from the needless torture I put him through earlier, I'm sure he was much happier with my new method.

I'm sure those nasal aspirators would make a great chew toy for the dogs.

Love,

Catwoman.

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