Tuesday, July 12, 2005

You So Funny... Oh, Now You Let Me Down...

First of all, I want to mention that next week will be the one-year anniversary of my little blog. Which means I have made this last longer than 96 percent of my romantic relationships, 93 percent of my extra-curricular activities as a kid and it's also outlasted 62 percent of pilots that the four networks churn out every fall. So I say not bad at all and a pat on the back to me. Blogger is actually able to count again and said when I logged on today that I have 103 posts up. 103 posts over just under 365 days. That's almost an average of one in three days. Which ain't too shabby. I realize that the early days of this blog helped the average, considering I had dry spells of months at a time. But hey, you think Hemingway didn't have dry spells? And at least he was allowed to drink. So bite me and my expanding-no-alchol-allowed butt.

Anyway, yesterday I literally saw the funniest thing I'd ever seen on TV. I can't remember the last time I cackled so hard. I was laughing so hard that at times my diminishing lung capacity (because of baby boy's growth) couldn't keep up.

If any of you watch the A&E show Airline, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. The rest of you are doomed to hear my lame recollection of the episode.

Now, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but in a previous life, I was a flight attendant. A job that I both loved and loathed more than life itself. I did it for three and a half years. Long enough to develop a deep hatred for all of humanity and want to move to a deserted island with nothing but a dog and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Well, and maybe a vibrator, because it would get a little lonely out there after a while.

But back to my flying days. As a sky hag, as we called ourselves, (but if you ever dare call a flight attendant that on one of your flights, prepared to be arrested at your point of arrival. We hate you mouthing off bastards who tell us we're flying waitresses. Because we're not. We're there to save your fat ass over ours in case this metal bird goes down and you're making it really easy for us to decide to save ourselves first you moron. Do you also yell at firefighters on a regular basis to make sure they don't save you when you fall asleep in your trailer while smoking crack and set your duct taped recliner on fire?) I've pretty much seen it all. I've had my ass grabbed more times than I can count walking down the aisles; a pregnant woman took a swing at me; a man was videotaping sleeping teenage girls' clevage; a man stripped down on landing so that he was wearing nothing but his seatbelt; a couple handed me their blanket before landing with a suspicious white stain after an overnight flight; a lady yelled at me because her window on the plane wouldn't open and called me a liar when I told her none of them do because we'd all get sucked out at 35,000 feet.

And the list goes on and on and on. But really, if there's anything I've seen way too many of is drunks. In fact, I've seen so many obnoxious drunks, that you'd think most flight attendants would swear off alcohol forever.

But quite the contrary. The best part about being a flight attendant, especially when you worked for a young charter company like myself is that everyone was your age and that you got these awesome lay overs all over Europe. And by lay over I mean you are given an hourly allowance to shop, eat, party and sleep with the straight members of your flight crew. In my defense, I never did a pilot. But I've fooled around with enough really hot straight flight attendants to start my own airline someday.

But back to my original point. Airline, the show. The point is that when I watch Airline, I get pissed most of the time, because half of the people on it are drunk white trash that remind me of my horrendous flying days. And the other half are belligerent idiots, who once again remind me of my flying days.

In other words, I just shouldn't allowed to watch Airline, because even if somebody from Southwest set a passenger on fire with a blow torch for no good reason, I'd still take the side of the airline.

But yesterday, I was actually giddy and enjoying myself. You see, in one incident, a male passenger was asking the girl at the boarding gate counter for permission to pre-board his wife. The girl responded she needed to see the wife to make sure she did in fact need to pre-board. He responded by saying "she's right here, next to me."

But there was nothing there.

The guy's wife was invisible. And although the girl kept trying to keep a straight face and telling him she couldn't see the wife, the guy kept getting more and more aggravated and upset. She asked how he got a boarding pass for his "wife" and he said they always use self-check in. The girl told him that she needed to see the wife's ID. The guy replied that she had put it in the bag which she checked.

The girl kept telling the guy that she was sorry, but she couldn't see the wife. Every time she'd ask him to say something to her, he'd reply "ask her yourself! She's right here!" And then he told her that she might be crazy if she couldn't see someone standing right next to him.

She finally came around the counter and walked right up to the guy, sending him into a complete fit "YOU STEPPED ON HER FOOT! OH MY GOD, YOU BROKE HER FOOT! GET HER AN ICE PACK AND ASPIRIN RIGHT NOW!" Now, this poor Southwest girl was really beginning to lose it. She calls her supervisor down to the gate, because she's concerned this guy is going to freak on the flight if someone happens to sit on his "wife" not realizing the seat is already taken.

By this point I am in tears I am laughing so hard. The manager comes down to the gate, the girl explains the situation to him and the manager begins to crack up. "Is this some kind of joke?" he says. "No," she replies "and here's her ice pack, I broke her foot apparently."

The guy tells the manager that his wife has finally stopped screaming. "She's always on me! If somebody's not stepping on her and crushing her feet, she's just constantly yelling at me." The manager tries his best to keep a straight face and finally gives in and tells the guy he can pre-board as long as his wife takes the window seat, explaining that pre-boarding is for people with disabilities, but the policy doesn't say anything about it being just for people with physical disabilities.

Well, I've been crying for about 10 minutes now at this incident, because this might be the funniest thing I've ever seen, when all of a sudden the crazy guy tells the manager, "gotcha!" and come to find out it was an elaborate prank that the counter girl came up with and asked this passenger to volunteer to do to get her manager.

And although it might be one of the best pranks in the history of pranks, I felt quite let down by the conclusion, because I wanted it to be so real, to remove my feelings of cynicism that tell me that I could die today, because I've seen it all.

All of a sudden, there was the chance that I actually hadn't seen it all.

But ends up I've been right all along. Which, for once, really, really sucks.



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