Thursday, July 14, 2005

No, No, Let me Tell You About My God

You know what makes me laugh more than funny animal videos on America's Funniest Home Videos? Yes, I know, you probably now think my IQ hovers somewhere below 80 for making that statement.

Jehovah's Witnesses.

I don't know why I find them so funny, but I do.

However, I don't find them funny enough to want to talk to them when they come to my door.

I was sitting at home pretending to work yesterday, in my usual uniform of oversized T-shirt and maternity panties (I know, I know, I'm sexy), when the doorbell rang. I suddenly remembered that George W.'s minion was supposed to come by the house to make sure that we'd made it uglier to meet their loan requirements, so while the dogs barked at the door, I ran to my room to put on some shorts that didn't match for the record and fought the dogs off to open the door.

And there they were. Two smiling women. Like they didn't have a care in the world. Bible firmly clenched in their hands, the shorter one says to me "We're going door to door encouraging bible reading."


Ironically, I go door-to-door selling what many in the religious would be sinful items. Well, I don't actually go door to door, but people invite me to their homes, they invite their friends, I pass around items that violate at least one, but maybe up to three of the seven deadly sins and then I sell it to them. I am a panderer of sin, thank you very much, but hey, a woman's got to eat. And buy cute clothes.

The first thought that I popped into my head when the lady told me about her bible reading quest was that our bible was actually already packed away, since the big move is first thing Friday morning. Then I wondered if I'd committed yet another sin, if maybe your bible is the very last thing you're supposed to pack in case occasions such as two random women wanting to read from it with you present themselves.

But all I could think to say was "This actually isn't a good time, I work from home and I'm on a long distance call with a client right now."

Right. Says the woman with the two barking dogs, because really that would be professional. But in my defense, the dogs wouldn't have been barking, interrupting my made up phone call if they hadn't shown up. So there.

But the women continue to smile at me. They're happy for me and my made up phone call. "No problem! Here is a pamphlet about shoplifting."

And before I have a chance to react, they're gone.

Shoplifing????????????? Excuse me? Who told you I was a kleptomaniac, bitch?

And this isn't the first time that I've had an encounter with a Jehovah's Witness that left me with strange literature. Last time, about four years ago, the woman at my door gave me a brochure about bulimia. Which also angered me. I couldn't believe she's think I was bulimic and still have the gut I've had for years. I mean, if I was bulimic and not 20 pounds lighter, I'd honestly be really, really pissed.

But here's the odd part. Is that I always end up reading the materials they hand me. I can't help it, they make me laugh. And I know that's probably wrong. But these people are funny.

The first article that caught my eye was written for young men. It was all about what to do if a woman was romantically interested in them. And the part that had me rolling was the following excerpt:

"What she mentioned, though, has left you stunned. She is interested in a romantic relationship and wants to know if you feel the same way. This may surprise you if you are of the opinion that the man should initiate a courtship. While such is often the case, keep in mind that in taking the first step, she did not violate Bible principles."

Well, isn't that a relief! That whore! I mean, what are we? In the 1850s? Women have gone to fucking space, we're in the Senate, we have football teams and most of all, we still have the power to grow another human being in our bodies. But we can't ask a fucking guy out?

Thank goodness the Jehovah's Witnesses are telling young kids, who are now known for having blow job parties from the age of 12 up, that it's not in violation of the bible to approach a guy.

I'm glad to know that when I was in my early 20s, got wasted and invited some hot guy at the bar back to my apartment, he wasn't worried about me breaking the bible's principles. Because I know that was a nagging thought in the back of my mind when I was horny and sowing my wild oats.

But even better, further on in the publication there's a great story telling kids how they too can spread the word about Jehovah's Witnesses at school. My favorite recommendation is that the child bring a shitload (my word, not theirs) of J.W. written materials and sprawl them out on their lunch table and sit there, alone reading their favorite books.

The article goes on to say that other children will be curious about the child is doing and inquire as to what the reading materials. When the child shares their passion for what they are reading, the other children will want to read the books as well.

Now, I was a nerd, geek and dork rolled into one, growing up. I got picked on, shoved, psychologically abused and even beaten up a couple of times. But never, ever did I bring religious materials to school and try to convert people to a religion that doesn't allow you to have a birthday party, my one chance to redeem myself each year and try to woo over people to be my friends.

Here's how I picture that scenario happening in 98 percent of schools, dear Jehovah's Witnesses with bad advice.

Scene: A typical middle school or high school cafeteria. Tables have initials and curse words engraved in them. An overwhelming scent of b.o., fart and bad food lingers in the air. Kids begin to pour into the room at the sound of the shrill bell.

A boy walks in, his little skinny body weighed down by 30 pounds of books and magazines. He neatly arranges them on a table and smiles at himself. He is pleased and knows that his God must be as well. He sits down and begins to read.

The cheerleading squad walks by. They spot the boy and begin to whisper. The head cheerleader walks up with her tray, containing a power bar and a can of diet coke.

"Hey freak, what are you reading? Comic books?"

"Oh no, my lady, these are materials about God and they make me oh so happy." (the child talks like he's from the 1800s because of what he's taught. He's also surprised that a girl has spoken to him without being spoken to first a la Alice in Wonderland).

"You're a freak, freak."

Cheerleaders walk away.

Moments later, the cool boys walk up after asking the head cheerleader why she was talking to the boy. They come over, knock over all the books, drag the boy outside and beat the shit out of him for no reason, other than because they can.

The end.

And if the above didn't happen. Don't you think that some kid at school would come home, say to their parent "some guy at school tried to convert me to Jehovah's Witnessing. Apparently I'd get to trick or treat every day or something, because they go door to door all the time."

And the parent, whether catholic, baptist, muslim, jewish, scientologist, atheist or whatever other religion you want them to be would flip out, call the principal tell them how their child should be able to go to school without trying to be recruited by cults and then the little boy with the reading materials would get in trouble.

I wonder if you can get a subscription to the Jehovah's Witnesses magazine. Because me likey.

I have to end this post apologizing for my making fun of another religion and if anyone of my three readers is J.W. then I'm sorry, but it's all in jest, really. I really don't know much about J.W.'s except for the whole birthday not-celebrating thing. Oh, and once I saw a stand up comedian tell this joke about how J.W.'s believe that only like the first 200,000 people make it to heaven and how if he was one of them, he would never go door to door or tell anyone about the religion, so that he'd increase his odds of heaven still having room for him when he died.

Don't most people base their religious knowledge on what they heard from a stand up comedian?

No? Really??? Huh. Who knew.



1 comment:

Danny Haszard said...

Up close and personal Jehovah's Witnesses can be wolves in sheep's clothing.

Think about this-When the devil comes knocking on your door he may not have the 'dark goth look'.They could be smartly dressed and wielding the Christian Bible.

I have Jehovah's Witnesses family in the usa who practice the Watchtower JW enforced ritual shunning that i have not seen or heard from in 15 years.

The central CORE dogma of the Watchtower is Jesus second coming (invisibly) in 1914 and is a lie.Jehovah's Witnesses are a spin-off of the man made Millerite movement of 1840.

A destructive cult of false teachings, that frequently result in spiritual and psychological abuse, as well as needless deaths (bogus blood transfusion ban).

Yes,you can 'check out anytime you want but you can never leave',because they can and will hold your family hostage.

The world has the Internet now,and there are tens of thousands of pages up from disgruntled ex-Jehovah's Witnesses like myself who have been abused by the Watchtower cult.

Jehovah's Witnesses are often a mouth that prays a hand that kills.The Watchtower is a truly Orwellian world.
Danny Haszard former Jehovah's Witness X 33 years and 3rd generation