Friday, July 01, 2005

The Loss of My Bikini Line

OK, first a really, really, really terrible admission. I'm not very good with the whole shaving thing.

I know that that's a horrible thing to say, but you men out there have no idea what's involved with being a woman. I mean, you guys get off so easy: you shave the face. That's a surface of less than a square foot. About 1/20th of your body. Us women, we're expected to keep half of our eyebrows off our face as well as regularly remove chin hairs, arm pit hairs, arm hairs for women who are very dark and very hairy, stomach line hairs, bikini lines and leg hairs. This adds up to about 70 percent of our body.

And that hair can grow faster than anything. There wouldn't be a deforestation problem if we could just plant a bikini line in the forest let me tell you.

So the point is, that considering most girls start shaving their legs at the age of 12, this means that we spend most of our lives removing hair in one way or another. You know the old statistic that we spend 25 years sleeping, 8 years in line. Well, I'm sure that if you total all of the time I've spent waxing, shaving, plucking and using whatever other products I've used in my time, I could have a Ph. D. in rocket science by now. But no, instead I'm a lowly PR person with constantly prickly legs.

Anyway, the problem with my expanding gut is that I can no longer see my bikini line. Three weeks ago, I attempted to shave/trim it down/weed whack it by standing in front of the bathroom mirror. The result did not turn Sweetie Pie on like I expected it to. It only made him laugh and laugh hysterically until he passed out and had to be revived by Dr. Patrick Ramsey on Grey's Anatomy. OK, I made that part up, but hey, let the pregnant lady fantasize a little bit, ok?

But it's funny, the one time I actually have an excuse for not shaving "down there" and I'm freaking out about it. You'd think I'd be on cloud nine. But no, all I can think of is that at some point in the next 12 weeks, a bunch of people in scrubs will be inches from my bikini line trying to yank baby boy out of me and I don't want them standing around the water cooler saying "man that is the hairiest bikini line ever." And I don't care that more than likely I won't be able to hear them, I don't know how I'm supposed to relax through the pain and push out a watermelon from my body if all I can think about is my overgrown bikini line.



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