Tuesday, July 26, 2005

If You Want My Body, and You Think I'm Sexy, Come on Baby Let Me Know...

I know that all two of you faithful readers just can't get enough of my graphic descriptions of the changes in my body. In fact, I'm pretty sure those are the reasons why the other one and a half readers I had have probably stopped reading. I'm starting to think that this blog is only read by my friend M. and no one else, which is funny because I spend most of my days talking to my friend M. by IM and always end up blowing my load by talking to her about what I posted about that day. So that when she gets around to reading this page, it's anticlimactic, because it's a rehashing of our conversation.

But whatever. It's my space and I'm sure someday I'll go back and read many of my lame hundreds of posts and roll my eyes about what a nerd I really am.

Anyway, here are the biggest and latest changes to my body brought on by Baby Boy.

1) My belly button has morphed into a gun shot scar. Which makes me look really bad ass. In fact, Fifty Cent has asked me to tour with him because my belly button now rivals his scars. It's weird, in every picture of pregnant bellies, women with innies end up getting outies, but mine's just not ready to face the cold world, and so it remains slightly tucked in, but really just flush with the rest of my stomach, so that it really does look like scar tissue. I haven't worn a crop top since I was like 18 or 19, but I have to say that I'm really tempted to buy one, because this thing is cool looking. I wonder if the bloods or the crips are recruiting. Word to your mother.

2) I now have sausage toes. I've never claimed to have attractive feet. In fact, I'm sorry to diss all of you, but everyone has ugly feet. I hate feet. Feet are ugly, they smell and to me, the worst job on Earth (besides the portapotty guy I saw this morning on our street removing the dirty portapotty from the construction site across from us) would be to give people pedicures. Or to be a podiatrist and have to treat people's feet with weird growths on them .

The point is, that it's not like I'm claiming I had model-like feet before. But I am now retaining water, which I was wondering when that would occur, since I hadn't until this point. Well, it's happened and it's basically made my toes look like ten cocktail wieners with old nail polish on them. Bet you're hungry now, eh?

3) I have a misshapen belly. It's not round. It's kind of oval. But worse than that, because of my sheer lack of height, baby boy is just out of space in there. And so at times, in an effort to stretch me out I guess and not be so crowded, he'll push out on one side of my belly. Which leaves me looking like I have some strange hump or tumor.

Enough to say, even the oil change guys don't hit on me anymore. But at least I look like a Buddha and I can rub my own belly for luck!



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

At this point you have at least three readers that I know of. I'm a friend of J's (and by J I mean the J you once referred to in a blog discussing her awesome job where she gets paid a ridiculous amount of money to travel around the country with a robot!) and I've been reading your blog for at least a year now. I also have two friends who are currently preggers too, and I've sent them links to your blog thinking that they would appreciate it even more than I would. They love it and you now have at least 3 faithful readers that I know of! So keep writing - we love it!