Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Well There's a New Sensation...

I'm always up to experiencing new things. For example, my diet said I was allowed to eat five wheat thins with a certain recipe. I can't recall which one, but I did buy a box of wheat thins. Although the diet specified that I was supposed to buy the low sodium ones, I decided to buy the ranch flavored ones instead, because they just sounded better. And boy did they ever.

I have a new love: Ranch-flavored wheat thins. Which is funny, because I don't really like ranch dressing. I like Cool Ranch Doritos though, so I thought that if the wheat thins were half as good, I'd be ok.

Well, they're not half as good. They're a hell of a lot better. I have since amended my diet to allow me to eat a box throughout the day and skip the other meals. I'm calling it the wheat thin diet. Although I didn't lose any weight last week and had to lie on my ediets profile, I didn't gain any weight either. So I think it'd be a good maintain my weight diet. The trick with the wheat thins diet is to eat a handful every five minutes, so that you're grazing all day. It keeps your metabolism up, while your tongue has the opportunity to kill taste buds one by one as they get overexposed to the fabulousness of the ranch flavoring.

But Ranch-flavored wheat thins are actually not what this post is about. Even though I really could publish a whole book about my love of wheat thins.

No what this post is about is a new sensation I experienced this morning in a torture class called Body Blaster.

First of all, I have to say something about the name. I love to have a blast. Because that means I'm having fun. However, the words "body" and "blaster" just don't sound like they should be together. And this class was anything but fun.

Now when I say anything but fun, I don't mean it was boring. Oh God, how I don't mean it was boring. I mean it wasn't fun in a "holy shit my whole body hurts" way.

And I kept thinking to myself as we worked each muscle until it snapped off from the joint so that I couldn't move it anymore that it was almost over.

But just when I thought I'd experienced everything I ever was going to, a new sensation took over my body. It's called a butt cramp.

Actually, I don't know for a fact that this is the official name for it, but that is what I have decided to name it. I've never experienced a butt cramp before. I've had gas, and other feelings in the buttocks area, however no cramp. You see, I'm not certain I've ever used my butt for anything except to remain in the seated position as long as I can.

But today, it was forced to move in positions that I didn't think were possible until it finally cramped up. Now the thing with a cramp butt, is that you can only work one cheek at a time, which means that while my right cheek stood rigidly like an old man on viagara, my left one was having a cigarette and a cup of coffee.

I had to stop the horrible cruel exercise the instructor was asking us to do, but then I realized I couldn't just stand there and massage my butt...

And here is the really scary part. As I sit here, waiting to get sorer and sorer with each passing minute, I realize that this class could be what I've been looking for and will definitely go back. Anyone got the phone number for a good masochist club?



1 comment:

Koree said...

Glad your back posting... funny stuff....