Saturday, November 27, 2004

Now This Is Heaven...

Today, Sweetie Pie left me. Not in that permanent, marriage over kind of way. Just in that "I have to leave for the day to look at ranches with my dad" way. Which I have to say was fine by me, because the thing I loved most about being single was having me days. And I had them once a week and I have to say that being married, me days are what I missed most, besides the electricity that precedes a first kiss with a new love.

Me days aren't very exciting. But they're my favorite. Me days are also not cheap. Because very often they involve shopping.

I told myself I wouldn't buy any new clothes until I lost another 10 pounds, but today I broke my rule and I have to say, I'm mighty glad I did. Because right now, as I'm sitting here in my new jeans, new tanktop, new bra, new jacket, new socks, with new nailpolish on my fingers and toes, I look pretty damn hot if I may say so myself.

The thing is that after Sweetie Pie left very early this morning, I needed to go to Blockbuster and return two very overdue movies. And once I was out, I decided to remain out. So I went to the post office and that made me want to go somewhere more exciting. So I went to Bed Bath & Beyond where I fell in love with... are you sitting down for this? A trivet. Two in fact. This is the kind of purchase that you deem exciting when you're an old married bitch like myself. When you're single, sexy lingerie is exciting. When you're about to turn 30, all of a sudden your heart leaps at the sight of a gorgeous trivet.

As crazy as it may sound, that trivet made me see a whole new way of life for me. If I could be the owner of a gorgeous trivet, then I had to become gorgeous myself. And so the trivet led me to the Mecca a.k.a. Ulta.

Now most men probably won't know what Ulta is. When you're a woman, it is only the greatest store on Earth. Even non-girly women like me see stars and hear angelic music when we step into Ulta. Ulta has make up and beauty things that you didn't even know you needed until you see them.

And so I grabbed a basket and I walked into Ulta with greasy hair that hadn't been washed in two days in a non-sexy Gap T-shirt and I walked out a goddess. Well, not quite, since my hair was still unwashed, my eyebrows still not tweezed and my skin unmade up, but the point is that I bought the supplies to turn me into a goddess.

Ulta is the kind of place that you walk into and think to yourself "I'm going to cash in this coupon for a free mascara" and then you walk out 60 dollars lighter. I bought shampoo, conditioner and smoothing cream specifically made for brunettes. I never knew that as a brunette my hair had special needs, but Ulta has taught me that it does. I also bought four nail polishes because they were having a two-for-one sale. I also bought eyebrow mousse. I never even knew eyebrows had their own mousse, but it was only four dollars and my eyebrows never seem to want to stay put, so I thought I'd make an attempt at domesticating them.

Well, after that, the shopping demon in me was released. I couldn't possibly have gorgeous hair and a gorgeous face and not have the clothes to match. So off to Willowbend mall I went to the clothes mecca: Forever 21.

I love Forever 21, because I figure that as long as I shop there, I can feel forever... well, you know.

The bad thing about Forever 21, is that despite the fact that its name sounds like they're targeting 30-40 year old women who are desperate to be ID'd once again by bouncers anywhere they go, in fact, the clothes can only fit prepubescent girls, so that those of us with curves, even on a diet, need to buy clothes two to three sizes larger than what we wear.

But the clothes are damn cheap and they actually make me look like I have some kind of fashion sense, so I love the place.

And I tried and tried and tried some more clothes on. I found the cutest pair of jeans that make my butt looks like anything from quarters to pennies can be bounced off it. Of course, if I was still single, some poor sucker would pick me up based solely on my butt in those jeans and boy, would they ever be in for a sad surprise upon the removal of said jeans. But the great thing about being married is that your other half understands that it's all an illusion and is just pleased that you're fooling his buddies into thinking you're hot.

I have to say that the makers of prozac have some competition with jeans. There is nothing that can make your worse day become your best day like the perfect pair of jeans. When you put them on and turn around and there's a butt that doesn't look like yours smiling its sideways grin at you, it's enough to make you weep. But of course, on those days where you try on 30 pairs of jeans and all of them make your butt look like two pancakes or two wobbly water balloons, then there is nothing that can make you consider suicide faster.

Jeans are definitely the ultimate friend or foe. You never want to piss off jeans, because they will crush your self esteem the next time you need them if you dont' treat them with respect.

So what have we learned today children?

1. Sweetie Pie will never leave me on my own for a me day ever again once he sees the credit card statement.
2. My ass looks great. Next time you see me, you better say so, even if you think otherwise.
3. Don't apply nailpolish in a dimly lit room, especially when you don't tend to wear nailpolish.
4. Shop at Forever 21 and cut out the tags so you never have to think about what size you're forced to wear.



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