Tuesday, October 26, 2004

I'm the Biggest Loser!

Those people on that crappy NBC show have NOTHING on me! I lost five pounds overnight. Yup, that's right, just like that. With good eating and thoughts of exercise, I lost five pounds.

Well, ok, that's not the whole story. But it sure sounds great that way. See, what happened is I joined a weight loss site a week and a half ago now. And when I joined, I couldn't weigh myself because it was the middle of the day. I know some of you (well, with how few people are now reading this, it's probably one of you) are rolling their eyes at me. But it's true, you have to weigh yourself at the beginning of the day, or else you weigh like 10 pounds more because you ate and drank a lot. So rather than have myself be 20 pounds heavier, I guesstimated my weight. I knew I was the heaviest I've ever been, so I added five pounds to my previous record and that was that. Well, then last Thursday, I go to weigh myself for the first time and I'm thinking I've lost weight and it won't be as traumatic to look at the number.

Except that the evil scale said I was five pounds heavier than my guess. A WEEK AFTER STARVING MYSELF AND EXERCISING ONCE!!!!

No freaking way.

No freaking way.

Then I realized that there's something really wrong with this scale. You see, it was my mother's. And it's been moved five times since she owned it. When she first got it, she noticed that it was 10 pounds off. So you don't set it on the zero, you set it on the ten as the starting weight. So I made the only choice I could. I threw out the scale.

Then I headed to Target and bought a new one. An electronic one at that. It says on it that it's guaranteed to be accurate. I believe you baby, I believe you.

So I took my new scale home and weighed myself. In the middle of the day. After I'd eaten two tomatoes stuffed with three ounces of tuna, three teaspoons of fat free mayonnaise and half a small diced onion. Note that I deprived myself of the stalk of celeri that should have been minced and incorporated in the tuna. Not because I have amazing will power, because really, it's celery, negative calories. Don't even try to give me the credi. It's because I hate celery and refuse to support that evil celery empire. I'd rather starve to death than eat celery and its putrid after taste.

Anyway, so I had just eaten my two stuffed tomatoes with at least a gallon of wather. And I'd had my half a Zone Perfect bar only an hour before my lunch because I was running late in my meals. So obviously that was still in my system.

Point is, that despite all of these dozens of pounds of food in me, my new scale told me I weighed five pounds less than the other scale told me yesterday morning on an empty stomach.

Five pounds in one night. I can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow.

On another note, my little company had a really good day today. I just landed my first client. I get to be a publicist. I'm going to be representing this singer who's in high school and is about to be signed by record companies. Her manager wants her to tour Texas and guess who gets to be her publicist?

No, not him.

Uhm, I haven't heard of her, but no, not her either.

OK, just give up before you hurt my feelings. It's me!!!!

I'll be whisking her on the red carpets of the Grammy, American Music Awards, MTV Music Awards and Maxim parties before I know it! And when it happens, I'll have Harry Winston begging me to wear their diamond necklaces and I'll smile with my perfectly done hair as I stand in the background looking over at the star that I helped create.

And I've already decided that Sandra Bullock and I are going to be best friends. She doesn't know it yet.

Maybe I should send her a Christmas card, because that's what best friends do.

Actually, I just got my cards yesterday. They have a baby panda on the front walking through snow. I swear they're the bestest cards ever! I got them from the World Wildlife Federation, so money goes back to save the pandas. Instead of making Mr. Hallmark richer, why not do the same?

Well, I think that's enough lecturing for one day!

Here's the most exciting part of my day. I ordered myself business cards. Now, I've had business cards before, but these have my last name on them twice. Once because I've got my name on there and once in my company name. I mean, how cool is that! Makes me feel all official and everything.

Life is really good today.

And did I mention Target had Zone Perfect bars on sale for 80 cents a piece?

Sigh, if this day got any better, I might start thinking I'm dreaming.



1 comment:

MartiniGal said...

Of course you weigh in the morning. Especially after you poop! :)