Monday, October 18, 2004

Hello Face of the Earth? It's Me Catwoman...

Well, since two of you complained that I wasn't keeping my blog updated, here I go again. I have to warn you, I think the love affair between me and the blog is over. You see, in every relationship I've been that's faltered, I've just gotten to the point where I didn't have to say anything else to the other person. And that's when I knew it was over. Well, that, and usually the sex wasn't good enough for me to stay.

And that's how it is with the blog. The conversation, not the sex. Minds out of the gutter people!

The truth is, not much happens to me anymore. I wake up. Do a little work. IM with friends. Watch Y&R and Bold & Beautiful while having lunch and then sometimes I'll shower at two, and other times it'll seem like to much effort and won't.

Eventually it gets to be dinner time. I make dinner, watch TV with Sweetie Pie and then go to bed by 10 where I slather unsexy emolient cream all over my hands and lips and roll over and fall asleep.

So how in the world is anyone supposed to write something funny or at least witty every single day. You people should be happy. After all, I managed to write 54 posts, some of which were slightly entertaining. Most of the new TV shows this season won't even be on that long.

Well, not much to report except that I am on day two of a new diet. Which I've discovered something interesting about diets. It's very exciting to start a diet. Because then you get to tell people "I'm on a diet." And right away, they think you're cool. That you have willpower. That you are going to look supermodel hot within a month.

And the first day, you're excited. You buy the special foods. You plan your menus for the week. You try to decide when you're going to exercise. Hell, on that first day, you even do exercise. It's just magical.

On that first day, you feel great. At the end of the day, you think to yourself that you already feel thinner. You eye your skinny jeans knowing that within a few weeks, you'll be looking mighty fine in those acid washed puppies (in case you haven't fit in those skinny jeans since the 80s).

Then day two arrives. You wake up. And you don't so much feel skinnier as you feel like you are starving to death. You look at your menu for the day and wonder if you can get away with eating your three meals and two snacks in one sitting, because that's the only way you'll get this famine headache out of you.

But somehow you tough it out on that second day. You drink your 200 calorie shake and try to pretend it's mighty tasty. In fact, it tastes just like the Steak & Shake milkshake you had as your last hurrah on the night before your diet. Then five minutes pass and your stomach begins its pathetic begging. It's not fooled. Hell, you're not fooled.

But the problem is that at this point you've spent more than twice your regular weekly food budget buying all of the specialty foods you were supposed to buy to follow your diet for the week. In my case, it was $112.58. I couldn't believe it. How could tomatoes, yogurt, nectarines and powdered crap cost so much?

And so now it's day two. The temptation to weigh myself to motivate myself to keep going for a third day is extremely strong. Except that should I actually weigh myself, I actually won't have lost anything. No diet can shed twenty pounds in one day. Except for the ones in the back of the National Enquirer. Which at this point, I'm fine with shelling the 200 bucks or whatever they want. My kingdom for a supersized order of McDonald's fries. Hell, I'll settle for a half dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts.

My diet's called The Zone. Jennifer Aniston has been on it since the second season on Friends, so roughly ten years. I think that Jennifer Aniston is a masochist freak who should be banned from this country.

What kind of example is self-mutilation Jennifer? She probably beats Brad Pitt to a bloody pulp constantly from the crankiness.



1 comment:

Koree said...

Thank God! I was getting the shakes. I'm not good at cold turkey stops to blogs. The nightmares, the emotional rollercoaster... I'm glad your back Catwoman. Even if you have only 2 fans, where else in life can you actually have fans??? I feel like a Catwoman groupie only without the sex... :-)