Tuesday, October 26, 2004

I'm the Biggest Loser!

Those people on that crappy NBC show have NOTHING on me! I lost five pounds overnight. Yup, that's right, just like that. With good eating and thoughts of exercise, I lost five pounds.

Well, ok, that's not the whole story. But it sure sounds great that way. See, what happened is I joined a weight loss site a week and a half ago now. And when I joined, I couldn't weigh myself because it was the middle of the day. I know some of you (well, with how few people are now reading this, it's probably one of you) are rolling their eyes at me. But it's true, you have to weigh yourself at the beginning of the day, or else you weigh like 10 pounds more because you ate and drank a lot. So rather than have myself be 20 pounds heavier, I guesstimated my weight. I knew I was the heaviest I've ever been, so I added five pounds to my previous record and that was that. Well, then last Thursday, I go to weigh myself for the first time and I'm thinking I've lost weight and it won't be as traumatic to look at the number.

Except that the evil scale said I was five pounds heavier than my guess. A WEEK AFTER STARVING MYSELF AND EXERCISING ONCE!!!!

No freaking way.

No freaking way.

Then I realized that there's something really wrong with this scale. You see, it was my mother's. And it's been moved five times since she owned it. When she first got it, she noticed that it was 10 pounds off. So you don't set it on the zero, you set it on the ten as the starting weight. So I made the only choice I could. I threw out the scale.

Then I headed to Target and bought a new one. An electronic one at that. It says on it that it's guaranteed to be accurate. I believe you baby, I believe you.

So I took my new scale home and weighed myself. In the middle of the day. After I'd eaten two tomatoes stuffed with three ounces of tuna, three teaspoons of fat free mayonnaise and half a small diced onion. Note that I deprived myself of the stalk of celeri that should have been minced and incorporated in the tuna. Not because I have amazing will power, because really, it's celery, negative calories. Don't even try to give me the credi. It's because I hate celery and refuse to support that evil celery empire. I'd rather starve to death than eat celery and its putrid after taste.

Anyway, so I had just eaten my two stuffed tomatoes with at least a gallon of wather. And I'd had my half a Zone Perfect bar only an hour before my lunch because I was running late in my meals. So obviously that was still in my system.

Point is, that despite all of these dozens of pounds of food in me, my new scale told me I weighed five pounds less than the other scale told me yesterday morning on an empty stomach.

Five pounds in one night. I can't wait to weigh myself tomorrow.

On another note, my little company had a really good day today. I just landed my first client. I get to be a publicist. I'm going to be representing this singer who's in high school and is about to be signed by record companies. Her manager wants her to tour Texas and guess who gets to be her publicist?

No, not him.

Uhm, I haven't heard of her, but no, not her either.

OK, just give up before you hurt my feelings. It's me!!!!

I'll be whisking her on the red carpets of the Grammy, American Music Awards, MTV Music Awards and Maxim parties before I know it! And when it happens, I'll have Harry Winston begging me to wear their diamond necklaces and I'll smile with my perfectly done hair as I stand in the background looking over at the star that I helped create.

And I've already decided that Sandra Bullock and I are going to be best friends. She doesn't know it yet.

Maybe I should send her a Christmas card, because that's what best friends do.

Actually, I just got my cards yesterday. They have a baby panda on the front walking through snow. I swear they're the bestest cards ever! I got them from the World Wildlife Federation, so money goes back to save the pandas. Instead of making Mr. Hallmark richer, why not do the same?

Well, I think that's enough lecturing for one day!

Here's the most exciting part of my day. I ordered myself business cards. Now, I've had business cards before, but these have my last name on them twice. Once because I've got my name on there and once in my company name. I mean, how cool is that! Makes me feel all official and everything.

Life is really good today.

And did I mention Target had Zone Perfect bars on sale for 80 cents a piece?

Sigh, if this day got any better, I might start thinking I'm dreaming.



Monday, October 18, 2004

The World Is Very, Very Sick

My friend M. just sent me this...

My first thought is this was so made in Japan. I don't consider myself an animation expert by any means, although I have watched quite a bit of the stuff to know my Pixars from my anime from my Disney.

Enough to say, Pixar was not involved in this little ditty in anyway. Unless there was a crazy office party that involved heroin and whisky. Then I could see it producing the egg song.

But my biggest problem with the whole egg song is why do the eggs keep turning black? And how horrible that the egg sacrifices itself at the end to stop that hideous baby from crying those freakishly large tears.




Hello Face of the Earth? It's Me Catwoman...

Well, since two of you complained that I wasn't keeping my blog updated, here I go again. I have to warn you, I think the love affair between me and the blog is over. You see, in every relationship I've been that's faltered, I've just gotten to the point where I didn't have to say anything else to the other person. And that's when I knew it was over. Well, that, and usually the sex wasn't good enough for me to stay.

And that's how it is with the blog. The conversation, not the sex. Minds out of the gutter people!

The truth is, not much happens to me anymore. I wake up. Do a little work. IM with friends. Watch Y&R and Bold & Beautiful while having lunch and then sometimes I'll shower at two, and other times it'll seem like to much effort and won't.

Eventually it gets to be dinner time. I make dinner, watch TV with Sweetie Pie and then go to bed by 10 where I slather unsexy emolient cream all over my hands and lips and roll over and fall asleep.

So how in the world is anyone supposed to write something funny or at least witty every single day. You people should be happy. After all, I managed to write 54 posts, some of which were slightly entertaining. Most of the new TV shows this season won't even be on that long.

Well, not much to report except that I am on day two of a new diet. Which I've discovered something interesting about diets. It's very exciting to start a diet. Because then you get to tell people "I'm on a diet." And right away, they think you're cool. That you have willpower. That you are going to look supermodel hot within a month.

And the first day, you're excited. You buy the special foods. You plan your menus for the week. You try to decide when you're going to exercise. Hell, on that first day, you even do exercise. It's just magical.

On that first day, you feel great. At the end of the day, you think to yourself that you already feel thinner. You eye your skinny jeans knowing that within a few weeks, you'll be looking mighty fine in those acid washed puppies (in case you haven't fit in those skinny jeans since the 80s).

Then day two arrives. You wake up. And you don't so much feel skinnier as you feel like you are starving to death. You look at your menu for the day and wonder if you can get away with eating your three meals and two snacks in one sitting, because that's the only way you'll get this famine headache out of you.

But somehow you tough it out on that second day. You drink your 200 calorie shake and try to pretend it's mighty tasty. In fact, it tastes just like the Steak & Shake milkshake you had as your last hurrah on the night before your diet. Then five minutes pass and your stomach begins its pathetic begging. It's not fooled. Hell, you're not fooled.

But the problem is that at this point you've spent more than twice your regular weekly food budget buying all of the specialty foods you were supposed to buy to follow your diet for the week. In my case, it was $112.58. I couldn't believe it. How could tomatoes, yogurt, nectarines and powdered crap cost so much?

And so now it's day two. The temptation to weigh myself to motivate myself to keep going for a third day is extremely strong. Except that should I actually weigh myself, I actually won't have lost anything. No diet can shed twenty pounds in one day. Except for the ones in the back of the National Enquirer. Which at this point, I'm fine with shelling the 200 bucks or whatever they want. My kingdom for a supersized order of McDonald's fries. Hell, I'll settle for a half dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts.

My diet's called The Zone. Jennifer Aniston has been on it since the second season on Friends, so roughly ten years. I think that Jennifer Aniston is a masochist freak who should be banned from this country.

What kind of example is self-mutilation Jennifer? She probably beats Brad Pitt to a bloody pulp constantly from the crankiness.