Friday, September 17, 2004

A Tumble Down Memory Lane

Ever just been going about your business when all of a sudden an odd memory that has nothing to do with what you're doing just comes flooding back? The other day, I was putting dishes in the dishwasher when all of a sudden I got pounded on the head with a horribly embarrassing memory.

I don't know exactly how old I was, because my entire early 20s kind of run together, but I would probably have to guess 21 or 22, since I met Sweetie when I was 23.

Anyway, I met this guy named Gerard. He was a flight attendant with me and he looked a lot like that actor Tom Everett Scott (the guy in that show Philly and An American Werewolf in Paris). One thing led to another and I ended up going home with him when we got back to Toronto. I don't know how I forgot this, but now, I will never forget it until the day I die! After we had sex, Gerard left the bed and came back with a huge binder. He told me he wanted to show me something. Thinking I'd found a man who actually wanted to open up after the deed, I was impressed. Well, Gerard begins to flip through the pages of this binder telling me about this amazing direct selling experience he's part of that carries only Tea Tree Oil products. It took me a while to figure out that he was trying to rope me in as one of the sellers under him in a Mary Kay type company that sold Tea Tree Oil products which until that day I had never heard of.

I was absolutely horrified. I don't know how I sat there in bed naked and listened to him. I should have gotten dressed and left.

So why did that memory come back and hit me so vividly as I was standing in my kitchen seven years later while Sweetie Pie did whatever in the living room (probably just watching TV, but I felt that wouldn't help my point)? I think it was to remind me of the number of jerks, morons and dildos I had to go through to find the imperfect person that I will spend the rest of my life with. I think the divorce rate would be a lot lower if people remembered the number of morons they had to go through when they were single. It's no wonder that single people will find the least disturbed person and hang on to them for dear life. They know that if they don't, someday, they could end up naked in a bed being solicited for 500 dollars to receive a 1,000 dollar starter kit of Tea Tree Oil products.

Whatever happened to Gerard you wonder?

I did see him a couple of more times. I guess there was nothing on TV those nights or something. Once, I went to a Tea Tree Oil meeting with him. These people were such fanatics, it looked like a cult to me. I lied and said I forgot my credit card when they held me down and tried to make me a distributor.

A few days later, Gerard called me and said he'd come down with some weird skin condition and his whole face was broken out and he looked horrible. I think I subconsciously thought to myself "I've got to see this!" but I think that the real reason is that he was hot. And I thought "how bad can it be?"

Well, the leprecy he'd developed definitely reduced the hotness factor. When he showed up at my door, he had hundreds of pussy wounds, some of them oozing, on his face. And he, ugly disfigured man, actually had the gall to tell me that my Levi's jeans didn't make my butt look as good as it was.

That was the last time I saw Gerard. I'm sure he told the people that he sold the Tea Tree Oil product that the oozing wounds on his face had nothing to do with the stuff he was peddling. And I swear that I didn't do anything to him. Or maybe that memory will come back later...

Love,

Catwoman.

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