Saturday, September 04, 2004

Life is Wonderful

Right now, all of the stars are aligned, there is magic in the air, life is at it should be. You see, one of the greatest days of the year came a little early this year: it was yesterday.

Those of you who know my friend M. might know that her blog recently listed her excitement about listing the new Survivors. Yawn. Who cares about a show that's been on seven seasons, is dated and only brings out a mix of silly stupid people. Sorry M.

Well, my idea of the greatest day is once a year, when Entertainment Weekly puts out its Fall TV Season Double Issue. Sigh... Hundreds of pages of interesting information to read and the opportunity for me to plan my whole life around TV. The kind of publication that can bring grown men to their knees.

For those of you who don't read Entertainment Weekly, let me tell you how much you're missing. It's so much better than those gossip magazines like In Touch or People. Entertainment Weekly is full of informative reading, wry humor and entertainment trivia, which many know me as the fountain of useless knowledge. Well, to me, Entertainment Weekly is the encyclopedia I read cover to cover each week, making my brain just a little smarter about Hollywood every time.

Amazing that a brain this powerful can even fit in my small head.

Anyway, the fall TV schedule looking mighty good. Monday night is once again crappy. The options at 7 p.m. are between Fear Factor (the most useless show on TV if you ask me. "Let's eat a rotted out carcass of roadkill"), The Benefactor (Mark Cuban for an hour???? I don't think I can do it without trying to slash my wrists with the remote) or Still Standing (which the real name of the show should be Still On Despite Two Years of Lame Ass Jokes). I mean how can the week start off so badly? I don't understand how TV programmers always let one night be the crappy night of television. CBS is wasting the Amazing Race on Saturday nights. Hello!!!! Most of us don't watch TV that night! They are going to kill that show when Monday night is allowed to run free with crap. So looks like that I'm going to have to somehow convince my Sweetie Pie to watch 7th Heaven, the only show that won't give me an aneurysm, but which will send him into a sugar coma.

VERY frustrating. I need to become a Hollywood Consultant. I've always wanted to be one of those Nielsen families. Because I want my TV watching to count. I think that the families who are part of the Nielsen TV are for the most part useless. Why are they all watching crap like Life With Jim or Something About Jim or whatever that stupid cookie-cutter sitcom is called with Jim Belushi. I mean, it makes me want to stab myself with a plastic teaspoon.

Here are the shows that I am VERY excited about watching this season. Please watch them with me so that they're not replaced by some crap reality show called "Shave My Dog." All times are Central Standard Time. So if I happen to have any non-Dallas readers, do the math for your time zone.


7 p.m. Watch what you want, it doesn't matter, they all suck.

8 p.m. Las Vegas. We found it mildly entertaining last year and Monday Night Football is against it, so if I try to switch us to another show, football will take over. Cannot risk it, especially when nothing else is that worthy of switching. Everybody Loves Raymond hasn't been funny in years and I just haven't gotten into Two & a Half Men.

9 p.m. CSI Miami vs. LAX. Although I know men find Heather Locklear hot (which I admit I do too. How can she still look this fabulous at 40 + when I look this crappy at - 30?), LAX just doesn't look very good. And CSI Miami will have the death of one of the characters, so I am hooked, no contest there.


7 p.m. No contest. Last Comic Standing. When that is done, then I guess I'll throw Sweetie Pie a TV bone and switch us to Navy NCIS (shiver) or as I like to call it, the manly ripoff of CSI.

8 p.m. Another bad time slot. Oh, just realized that stupidly retarded show is called According to Jim. I guess we're going to be forced to watch Clubhouse. Not that I really wanted to. But the other options are Father of the Pride or the Fox reality boxing show, which they ripped off from NBC, The Next Great Champ, which sounds more like The Next Big Bore.

9 p.m. The only thing worth watching is Law & Order SVU, although I do enjoy Judging Amy ever so often.

NOW it's starting to get good... A lot of conflicts that night that make me sweat. What to watch, what to watch! If only I had a Tivo!

7 p.m. It's between Lost on ABC about the people who are in a plane crash on a deserted island and Hawaii. Entertainment Weekly names it Best New Drama and they're always right. I'm afraid that it has one of those concepts that will mean people won't watch right away and unlike movies that have a chance to build a buzz, this could be on three weeks and then yanked. So please watch Lost! I will. We watched an episode of Hawaii this week and it really wasn't that good or that entertaining.

8 p.m. This one's hard too. The new Bachelor? Probably not. That show's been kind of done, although I did watch the last one because there was nothing else on and Jessie was hot AND Canadian. A deadly combination. The West Wing is more like The Boredom Wing now. Why is that show still on? I was really into it at first, but now Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The King of Queens is on at this time, which I ABSOLUTELY love, but Sweetie Pie hates sitcoms with bitchy wives and dumb husbands. Must remind him too much of real life I guess! UPN has a new show on that everyone is raving about and everyone is saying that it could do to UPN what Buffy the Vampire Slayer did to WB, which is put it on the map. That really hot guy Taye Diggs who seduced Angela Basset in How Stella Got Her Groove Back and he was a love interest for Calista Flockhart on Ally McBeal is going to be on a new show called Kevin Hill. In it, he'll be a smooth attorney guy who's a real player who inherits a ten-month old girl after his cousin passes away. Apparently it's really good and I think I'm going to turn my TV onto UPN for the first time... ever I guess.

9 p.m.: Well, start spreading the news... I'm leaving Law & Order... CSI New York will be in this time slot and damn it, it looks awesome. With people telling Sweetie Pie that he looks like a younger Gary Sinise, it means that I have to watch everything he does. Besides, how is a bad CSI possible?

Thursday, Thursday. How you break my heart... Why oh why has FOX decided to put The OC on the strongest night of TV???? SOB! This one is REALLY hard for me... But after a lot of pondering, here is my final lineup. Well, until something gets cancelled or moved.

7 p.m. I've decided to watch The O.C. and tape Joey. This is a survival vote for me. I figure that Joey will be fine. Entertainment Weekly named it Best New Comedy, admitting that it was funny and they were surprised by how good it was for a spinoff. But up against Crappy Tired Survivor and the Joey/Will & Grace one-two punch, I think my very loved The O.C. will suffer. So I'm going to be loyal and hope others, especially those with a Nielsen box will follow my lead.

8 p.m. The Apprentice vs. CSI. This is kind of a tough one, but it isn't. I LOVED the first Apprentice. I was completely obsessed with it in fact. So I've been waiting for season two forever! CSI will be on in repeats all season. I have plenty of time to catch up with Grissom and the rest of Las Vegas, but the Donald? It's a one-time thing.

9 p.m. If any of you haven't discovered the greatness of Without a Trace during its first two seasons, hopefully this year's desperate ploys on ER bring you over to CBS. It's an amazing, amazing show. ER has gotten to be so tired. I mean, how much more can those doctors take?

The great thing about Friday's lineup is that there's nothing really worthy of seeing until 9 p.m. So that gives you plenty of time to go out to dinner, come back and turn on the TV.

9 p.m. It's between Dr. Vegas and Medical Investigation. I was really interested in seeing both, and obviously they got put up against the other. The lead guy from Medical Investigation who was also in Boomtown is very hot in an albino way. But I also love Robe Lowe. This one is hard. Entertainment Weekly says Medical Investigation is very boring, so I guess I'll watch Dr. Vegas and tape Medical Investigation and then adjust my thinking from there.

Worst night of TV of the week as always. Only thing worth watching is The Amazing Race at 7 p.m. For the rest, I recommend Blockbuster or getting out of the house.

It's interesting to me how Sunday has gotten better and better as a TV-watching night. And this year is no exception. FOX haws moved Malcolm in The Middle to 6:30 before The Simpsons this year, so the evening begins at 6:30.

6:30 OK, are you that out of it? I just said, Malcolm in the Middle.

7 p.m. American Dreams. We really got into this show last year. Light, fluffy, entertaining and with family members who actually have flaws. A very strong show with a great cast.

8 p.m. This is the timeslot I am most excited about, because the new show that I most wanting to see is on. Desperate Housewive on ABC looks AMAZING!!!! Like Melrose Place but on Speed. It casts a whole bunch of recognizable actresses including Dr. Kimberly from Melrose Place (who tries to kill her husband for some reason in the previews), Teri Hatcher from Lois & Lane and others. It looks like great curl up on your couch drama and Entertainment Weekly agrees with my feelings about it. They say that it even has a touch of Twin Peaksness, since the whole show is narrated by a housewife who commits suicide in episode one. So for the rest of the series, a dead character will be narrating. We need to watch this show, because ABC with its bad track record will kill off shows way too quickly.

9 p.m. It's got to be ABC again, with Boston Legal. The Practice was such a tired show, with characters that were just beginning to be highly disliked by me. But there was never anything else on. Until last season, when all of a sudden James Spader rips the show up from the inside out and creates this interesting new alien show, then William Shatner appears as one crazy dude and the show was so interesting again. Now that the show can be featured on only the new firm of Spader/Shatner without being bogged down by the boring main characters of Boston Legal, things are going to be great once again. Very excited about this one.

Well folks, that's it. My TV line up for the Fall 2004. If you're still reading this, someone's either holding a gun to your head, or you're a very, very good friend of mine who will read anything I write.

I'd like to leave you with a couple of predictions. Almost every year, I have been able to predict the first show to be cancelled. This year, I believe it is going to be Life as We Know it on ABC, a teen show that likes to call itself the My So Called Life for Boys. Right... Because teenage boys are all about feelings of confusion and all that other girl crap. It's on Thursday nights from 8-9 p.m., so against CSI and the Apprentice. The only thing that could make this prediction wrong is if someone from another network pulls the trigger and cancels something before October. Which if that happens, then I predict it will be Medical Investigations. Networks always put shows on Friday nights expecting them to make people stay home and then when the show performs just as badly as last season's shows, it gets pulled.

The one bonafide hit that I predict will still be there at the end of the season is Joey. There is no way Joey gets cancelled unless Matt Leblanc is in some horrible accident or is jailed for selling crack cocaine to senior citizens.

As my friend J. would say: and scene.



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