Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Woof! Woof! Are You Scared of Me Now?

Anyone who's ever met Sweetie Pie and I's dogs knows that they barely look mean, let alone have them be mean. I'll admit that they are both barkers. Just because they're dogs, and really, what else is there to do in life? But maybe it's because I know them that I don't find their bark very scary. They just do it because they have nothing else to do.

Today, Sweetie Pie was in a meeting and so I was very busy checking on my U Promise dollars (our future kids now have almost $18 in college savings!) when the phone rang. The dogs had requested to go outside and I could hear them barking away at the sun, but hey, who am I to tell them they can't bark in the middle of the day, right? When all of a sudden, the phone rings and a nice lady tells me that she's with the electrical company and that the dogs are scaring their meter guy who's trying to read our meter. Which I'm thinking to myself that they're just being good pets trying to defend their owners from obscene electricity prices.

It's so funny to me that this little man in a little golf cart with a little flashing orange light on it would be so scared of our dogs that even when they're barking at him through a solid six-foot tall wooden fence he's still too petrified to do his job.

But then again, I guess that's what spiders and cockroaches think of me when I scream at Sweetie Pie to come kill them. Spiders don't really scare me, what scares me is the crunching sound they make when you smash them with a shoe. That crunching noise haunts my dreams. And cockroaches, well, they're about ten times bigger than the ones in Canada, like they've survived some kind of nuclear meltdown that made them go through a growth spurt. They're gross and they're big and they're REALLY scary and I don't want to have to deal with them ever.

There was this one time I was on the computer early in the morning before work a few months ago. All of a sudden I spotted a cockroach in the office. Since it was only about 5:30 in the morning, screaming at Sweetie Pie was grounds for a divorce and therefore unacceptable. So I squashed the cockroach using a notepad and then left it there to die with white guts sticking out of it. Well, I meant to get Sweetie Pie to flush it away later, because I was too afraid to pick up this foot-long beast.

Well, of course, me being me, I forgot about it, went to work and only remembered it when I was once again in the office. Looking under the notepad, the three-foot long cockroach WAS GONE!!!!! I ran over to Sweetie Pie asking him if he'd thrown it out and he said he had no idea what I was talking about. And so that night I had to go to sleep, knowing that a six-foot long zombie cockroach had come back from the dead for revenge and was hiding somewhere in the safe place known as my home, waiting for me to fall asleep.

And I knew that my dogs' barks would just not be enough to save me. How I ever survived that night is still a mystery to me.

Love,

Catwoman.

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