Monday, August 09, 2004

Sweet Relief Is in Sight

Well, my brain snapped today. Kind of how serial killers when asked what led them to kill 12 people say "I don't know, my brain just kind of snapped."

Except the good thing about my brain is that it can't stand the sight of blood, therefore, no one will have to die a bloody death because of my brain snapping.
However, it did lead me to a decision. I am quitting my job.

Friday is the target day, but depending on how my 4 pm meeting goes, don't be surprised if my next post is a testimony about the greatness of freedom.

And I have to say, something amazing happens when you decide that having a steady income is no longer your priority. When I got to be this unhappy at my last job, Sweetie Pie said "just quit! I'm tired of having a miserable wife." But I felt trapped, because he was just getting his company off the ground. But now, with most of our debts paid off, we could conservatively live on his salary, especially if I worked at Pottery Barn or somewhere else as an assistant manager while I got my writing career kick started.

I don't know if this blog has gone to my head. But besides the very sweet words you readers give me on a regular basis that lead me to think that I'm a better writer than I probably am, this blog has made me realize how much I love to write. And especially, how much I love to write about myself, which unfortunately, won't make me a fortune.

So that's the plan. Many of you have already heard this and said to me "what does Sweetie Pie think?" Well, truth be known, as of 10:53 am, Sweetie Pie doesn't know, because the snapping of the brain happened between our back door and my SUV and I was already very late for work.

Maybe seeing my friend C. so happy with her baby made me realize that I don't want to stay here any longer and put off the baby thing.

But I think what it boils down to is that you get to the point in your life where you go "what the hell am I doing????" And I'm at that point. There's no street sign that says What the Hell Are You Doing Avenue, but despite my lack of sense of direction, I can tell I've arrived there.

As nice as the paycheck is, it's just money. And money has not bought me happiness for the past six months. I'll admit it did the first two. But after that, not so much.

And I'm at the point where getting called on missed deadlines that were impossible to make from the beginning, being told what a huge deal everything is when I know in my brain and heart that nobody outside of this office gives a rat's ass, all of it just doesn't make sense anymore. The pettiness, the politics, the anal retentivness. None of it is me.

So why have I subjected myself to this environment for 4 years now? That's a good question.

I'm going to say that if I didn't know myself any better, I'd say I ain't a swift one.

But I think that isn't true. I think at the end of the day, I'm just very naive. Naive that things will always work out or get better. Naive that people will see that deep down I'm a good person and they will stop being complete bitches to me. And naive that the next job at the next agency will be different.

I used to think that my life was a sitcom, that things magically solved themselves at the 26th minute of the episode, no matter how badly things got. And truly, for the most part I've been blessed with a good life. But I think it's time to take control of my life again and choose to be happy over saving for those hardwood floors I really wanted.

After all, if I'm motivated enough, maybe I can sell enough freelance articles to get those hardwoods anyway. At least that's my plan. And for once I'm committing to it.



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