Saturday, August 14, 2004

Life WIthout a Job

I guess because it's the weekend it really hasn't completely hit me that I no longer am employed. And I have to say, I'm pretty calm about it, although in fairness of full disclosure, I can feel some ripples of panic deep in the underneath of my psyche.

I think Sweetie Pie's not fully convinced that I was let go. I think he thinks I stormed out on them, which my ego would have loved so much more to do. But unfortunately, my ego, which already had more dent than an unloved 1984 Toyota Tercel, took yet another hit. And even though I know who caused this damage, it still strangely feels like a hit and run.

I've now managed to convince myself that there was a long brewing conspiracy. Without going into the details of my techniques of private investigation, I have found a couple of small clues that seem to say that this plot was a month in the making.

Which to me a lot of the dots don't connect, so that I've got this jumbled image in my head, like a dog drawn by a one year old. If you were going to fire someone, why would you let them handle an event of the importance of the one I handled on Thursday and let them go by themselves. I know that I would never do that as a manager. Second of all, when I went to Houston last week, I was able to present myself to more than 100 of my client's store managers as a representative for my old agency and again, was unsupervised when I did it.. Once again, not a good thing for them if you ask me.

But I guess as they said it wasn't a performance thing. It was just that they didn't like me and that they didn't agree with the way I was trained to do my job. What would have been considered smart at my two previous employers, to this place was considered as reckless. What cracks me up most, is that I was considered too conservative and not enough of a risk taker at the other two places and I know that I didn't behave any different here. So once again, everyone's reality is different.

The one thing that sucks about losing my job this time is that Sweetie Pie works from home. So no lounging in my pajamas in front of the TV all day, searching for a job from 2-3 p.m. while nothing is on.

Which actually, I really think that this time it would have been different anyway. I'm going to give my writing career a chance. I'm hoping that this is the event that I will later look back on and say "I'd never had the guts to start writing, until I discovered blogging and then lost my job." And people will nod their heads as they read an article about me in USA Today or Vanity Fair.

I only have one obstacle to face: my mother.

Those two words are enough to make me quake in my boots. When I was laid off from my job three years ago, the hardest person to tell was my mother. And as I'd predicted, she completely freaked out on me like it was the end of the world. Not exactly the kind of loving support someone who's lost their job for the first time. My worst nightmare had come true and there was my mother, telling me how much worse it was than I even thought. I really think that my mother would stand by a drowning man and tell him why he's in this situation and what he's done wrong before deciding that he'd learned his lesson and save him.

But I can deal with the lecture, even though on Thursday night, telling my mom about my work issues she said to me: "you need to talk to your president NOW, because if this keeps going, they'll fire you." Well, wouldn't you know it. Flashforward to 12 hours later and although the words "you're fired" were not used in my defense, the not very better sounding "we're going to have to let you go" words were said. And so now, I have to deal with my mother's "I told you so speech."

But the worst part is that this is just not the time to tell my mother bad news. My maternal grandmother had a very bad stroke only a few days after everyone came back from my sister's wedding. My grandmother who lives very far away from me is not doing well. The doctors have now been working on her for the past month and they have just said that we need to make final arrangements for her, i.e. find a hospice for her to die. She's refusing the food tube (although it's been put in her by force, because my mom says that her and her sister cannot just let her starve to death), because my grandmother knows what's coming. This is what killed her mother and her brother years before her. One small stroke (which she had two weeks before the wedding), one massive stroke (the one she just had) and within the next six months, if the pattern follows, a final stroke will kill her.

And so my poor mother is trying to figure out where to take her mother to die and her oldest daughter now has to tell her that she's met an impasse in the career area again. Yup, definitely looking forward to that conversation. Gulp.

On another note, today is Sweetie Pie and I's anniversary. Well, we have two anniversaries, so this is for wedding number two. In exactly two weeks, it will be our anniversary for our first wedding. So happy one year anniversary to us! And then in two weeks it'll be happy second anniversary to us! Of course, being the bad wife that I am, I booked myself a party for tonight... Of course, we need the money for it, but still! If Sweetie Pie had done that to me, I would have guilted him into a tennis bracelet by now.



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