Thursday, August 26, 2004

I'm Changing Religions Because the Backgammon Gods Suck

That's it, I'm quitting this new job of mine. This playing backgammon on a full-time basis just isn't working out. I mean, it doesn't matter how smartly I play. The backgammon gods seem to favor people with online names like "gottacumsoon" or "hoeinnevada."

I mean, I realize that I don't have a very sexy Yahoo ID name, but come on. Should that be the only factor determining the winner?

But isn't that the way things are in real life too? I look at people who give stupid names to their kids and I think "what are you doing?"

But then you meet an adult with a wacky name and they're cool, funky and you're like, "man I so wish my name was Watchthedoorbitch. That's the coolest name ever!"

And that's always why I feel I kind of got lucky with my real life name. After all, my name isn't stupid sounding (at least not to me, but maybe all of you laugh and laugh about my name when I leave) and people compliment me about my name all the time, because it's not that common.

I think that naming a bady has got to be the most stressful thing in the world. Especially with girls. Because you just know that some stupidly brilliant kid will figure out a way to flip some letters around or rhyme something and turn a perfectly good name like Mary into Hairy Mole Mary. And so what if my daughter has a hairy mole? Does that make her any less sexy than the rest of the Britney Spears (or whoever might be hot by 2020 wanabes?)

So I think I'm retiring from the competitive world of Yahoo Backgammon. I tried Hearts for a little while, except those are the meanest bastards of the Yahoo world. If you put a card they disagree with at any point, all of a sudden, you have three people attack you. And when you weakly tell them that you thought you had a good strategy, they eat you alive, from the bladder out. Very painful believe me.

I'm surprised a sociologist out there hasn't looked into the world of Yahoo games. The different personalities in there from the chick with the charge by the second porn site trying to get people to visit her site, to the 14 year old boy pretending to be 28 and telling you you're hot stuff when you're sitting in one of your husband's dirty t-shirts and your last pair of underwear (which unmarried men, here's the scoop, our last pair of clean underwear is NEVER the sexy kind) with a pony tail, no make up and glasses, the Yahoo games world is full of bizarre and disturbing personalities. Someone could make a KILLING studying those freaks. And as they learn more about the rest of the population, one day, they'll happen to trip over me as I weep in a little ball in the corner wondering why "slutwhore" keeps getting double sixes and all I'm rolling are ones and twos.



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