Monday, July 26, 2004

Are You Sure It's Monday Again?????

I have to say, I think I'd be bored if I retired right now. I mean, I'm too young to even have a hobby that I could turn into a full-time interest. OK, maybe not too young, but definitely too immature and unfocused. I think if I retired now, I'd end up ballooning to 300 lbs and watch TV all day long, alternating with sessions of Gin and Solitaire on Yahoo.

After all, that's what I did when I got laid off three years ago. Well, I did all of those things except balloon to 300 lbs. I mean come on, it was JUST three months... But I'm pretty certain the extra 20 lbs I'm carrying now are from my unemployed period.

Anyway, my point is, that I don't wish to be retired because I would self-destruct in boredom and laziness. I need the rigidity and required attendance of a job to keep me going. However, I really wouldn't be opposed to only having to do this say... three times a week? Four would be fine too. Because really, two days for a weekend is just a rip off.

It's just simply not enough time. And every Monday I wake up feeling hurt like if the love of my life had left me.

Which speaking of... Sweetie Pie did leave me this weekend. Or at least tried to. I woke up on Saturday morning for the first time in five years of knowing him to find myself in bed alone. Confused with dry drool sexily crusted around my mouth, I noticed that Sweetie Pie's car keys were missing. My stomach dropped, because to make things worse, we weren't home, we had gone to Austin for the weekend for a bridal shower. Could I really be stranded in Austin? Just as I was getting sleepily paranoid, I noticed his wallet was still there, which meant he wouldn't even make it to Mexico. I called him on his cell phone and he claimed that he'd "forgotten" his "toothbrush" (notice the quotation marks for added drama) and was trying to buy a new one, but forgot his wallet, but I think his plan was foiled and he was trying to throw me off the scent.

A couple of years ago, my boy cat went missing and I desperately looked for him everywhere. Ends up he'd managed to move up in the world, to a large house in a gated community where he was hand fed peeled grapes. Unfortunately for him, the new family took him to the vet and he was found to have a microchip with my contact information on it, so back to the ghetto he went (which he was REALLY pissed about). Maybe I should put a microchip in Sweetie Pie too, so that should he happen to meet a super model who can explain cold fusion, he'll still be found to belong to me. That would just be the best revenge! BWA-HA-HA!

I've discovered a new passion: mystery shopping. Me, incognito! How great is that!!! Maybe if this works out, the CIA will want to talk to me about a more permanent position. I've got my first assignment on Friday. I'm thinking of wearing a wig and very large sunglasses so that I'm more secretive looking. I take very seriously the responsibility of tattling of bad waiters and cold food. It'll be a blast! Maybe I could make mystery shopping my retirement job...

Of course, to retire I first need to succeed at my part-time job: winning the lottery. And let's just say that if it wasn't a governmental job, I'd probably be fired by any other company, because I am REALLY crappy at the whole winning the lottery game. Heck, I don't even remember to show up to play, I mean work, 90% of the time.

OK, back to the real job so that I can cash my paycheck on Friday with no guilt.



No comments: